The Collected Shorter Plays Read Online Free Page A

line. [
Miss Fitt looks. Patiently
.] No, Miss Fitt, follow the direction of my index. [
Miss Fitt looks
.] There. You see now. The signal. At the bawdy hour of nine. [
In rueful afterthought
.] Or three alas! [
Mr. Barrell stifles a guffaw
.] Thank you, Mr. Barrell.
MISS FITT
But the time is now getting on for—
MR. TYLER
[
patiently
] We all know, Miss Fitt, we all know only too well what the time is now getting on for, and yet the cruel fact remains that the twelve thirty has not yet arrived.
MISS FITT
Not an accident, I trust! [
Pause
.] Do not tell me she has left the track! [
Pause
.] Oh darling mother! With the fresh sole for lunch!
[
Loud titter from Tommy, checked as before by Mr. Barrell
.]
MR. BARRELL
That’s enough old guff out of you. Nip up to the box now and see has Mr. Case anything for me.
[
Tommy goes
.]
MRS. ROONEY
Poor Dan!
MISS FITT
[
in anguish
] What terrible thing has happened?
MR. TYLER
Now now, Miss Fitt, do not—
MRS. ROONEY
[
with vehement sadness
] Poor Dan!
MR. TYLER
Now now, Miss Fitt, do not give way . . . to despair, all will come right . . . in the end. [
Aside to Mr. Barrell
.] What
is
the situation, Mr. Barrell? Not a collision surely?
MRS. ROONEY
[
enthusiastically
] A collision! Oh that would be wonderful!
MISS FITT
[
horrified
] A collision! I knew it!
MR. TYLER
Come, Miss Fitt, let us move a little up the platform.
MRS. ROONEY
Yes, let us all do that. [
Pause
.] No? [
Pause
.] You have changed your mind? [
Pause
.] I quite agree, we are better here, in the shadow of the waiting-room.
MR. BARRELL
Excuse me a moment.
MRS. ROONEY
Before you slink away, Mr. Barrell, please, a statement of some kind, I insist. Even the slowest train on this brief line is not ten minutes and more behind its scheduled time without good cause, one imagines. [
Pause
.] We all know your station is the best kept of the entire network, but there are times when that is not enough, just not enough. [
Pause
.] Now, Mr. Barrell, leave off chewing your whiskers, we are waiting to hear from you—we the unfortunate ticket-holders’ nearest if not dearest. [
Pause
.]
MR. TYLER
[
reasonably
] I do think we are owed some kind of explanation, Mr. Barrell, if only to set our minds at rest.
MR. BARRELL
I know nothing. All I know is there has been a hitch. All traffic is retarded.
MRS. ROONEY
[
derisively
] Retarded! A hitch! Ah these celibates! Here we are eating our hearts out with anxiety for our loved ones and he calls that a hitch! Those of us like myself with heart and kidney trouble may collapse at any moment and he calls that a hitch! In our ovens the Saturday roast is burning to a shrivel and he calls that—
MR. TYLER
Here comes Tommy, running! I am glad I have been spared to see this.
TOMMY
[
excitedly, in the distance
] She’s coming. [
Pause. Nearer
.] She’s at the level-crossing!
[
Immediately exaggerated station sounds. Falling signals. Bells. Whistles. Crescendo of train whistle approaching. Sound of train rushing through station
.]
MRS. ROONEY
[
above rush of train
] The up mail! The up mail! [
The up mail recedes, the down train approaches, enters the station, pulls up with great hissing of steam and clashing of couplings. Noise of passengers descending, doors banging, Mr. Barrell shouting “Boghill! Boghill!
,”
etc. Piercingly
.]Dan! . . . Are you all right? . . . Where is he? . . . Dan! Did you see my husband? . . . Dan! . . . [
Noise of station emptying. Guard’s whistle. Train departing, receding. Silence
.] He isn’t on it! The misery I have endured to get here, and he isn’t on it! . . . Mr. Barrell! . . . Was he not on it? [
Pause
.] Is anything the matter, you look as if you had seen a ghost. [
Pause
.] Tommy! . . . Did you see the master?
TOMMY
He’ll be along, Ma’am, Jerry is minding him.
[
Mr. Rooney suddenly appears on platform, advancing on small boy Jerry’s arm. He is blind, thumps the ground with his stick and pants incessantly
.]
MRS. ROONEY
Oh, Dan! There you are! [
Her