The Collected Shorter Plays Read Online Free Page B

dragging feet as she hastens towards him. She reaches him. They halt
.] Where in the world were you?
MR. ROONEY
[
coolly
] Maddy.
MRS. ROONEY
Where were you all this time?
MR. ROONEY
In the men’s.
MRS. ROONEY
Kiss me!
MR. ROONEY
Kiss you? In public? On the platform? Before the boy?
Have you taken leave of your senses?
MRS. ROONEY
Jerry wouldn’t mind. Would you, Jerry?
JERRY
No, Ma’am.
MRS. ROONEY
How is your poor father?
JERRY
They took him away, Ma’am.
MRS. ROONEY
Then you are all alone?
JERRY
Yes, Ma’am.
MR. ROONEY
Why are you here? You did not notify me.
MRS. ROONEY
I wanted to give you a surprise. For your birthday.
MR. ROONEY
My birthday?
MRS. ROONEY
Don’t you remember? I wished you your happy returns in the bathroom.
MR. ROONEY
I did not hear you.
MRS. ROONEY
But I gave you a tie! You have it on!
[
Pause
.]
MR. ROONEY
How old am I now?
MRS. ROONEY
Now never mind about that. Come.
MR. ROONEY
Why did you not cancel the boy? Now we shall have to give him a penny.
MRS. ROONEY
[
miserably
] I forgot! I had such a time getting here! Such horrid nasty people! [
Pause. Pleading
.] Be nice to me, Dan, be nice to me today!
MR. ROONEY
Give the boy a penny.
MRS. ROONEY
Here are two halfpennies, Jerry. Run along now and buy yourself a nice gobstopper.
JERRY
Yes, Ma’am.
MR. ROONEY
Come for me on Monday, if I am still alive.
JERRY
Yessir.
[
He runs off
.]
MR. ROONEY
We could have saved sixpence. We have saved fivepence.
[
Pause
.] But at what cost?
[
They move off along platform arm in arm. Dragging feet, panting, thudding stick
.]
MRS. ROONEY
Are you not well?
[
They halt, on Mr. Rooney’s initiative
.]
MR. ROONEY
Once and for all, do not ask me to speak and move at the same time. I shall not say this in this life again.
[
They move off. Dragging feet, etc. They halt at top of steps
.]
MRS. ROONEY
Are you not—
MR. ROONEY
Let us get this precipice over.
MRS. ROONEY
Put your arm around me.
MR. ROONEY
Have you been drinking again? [
Pause
.] You are quivering like a blancmange. [
Pause
.] Are you in a condition to lead me? [
Pause
.] We shall fall into the ditch.
MRS. ROONEY
Oh, Dan! It will be like old times!
MR. ROONEY
Pull yourself together or I shall send Tommy for the cab. Then instead of having saved sixpence, no, fivepence,we shall have lost . . . [
calculating mumble
] . . . two and three less six one and no plus one one and no plus three one and nine and one ten and three two and one . . . [
normal voice
] two and one, we shall be the poorer to the tune of two and one. [
Pause
.] Curse that sun, it has gone in. What is the day doing?
[
Wind
.]
MRS. ROONEY
Shrouding, shrouding, the best of it is past. [
Pause
.] Soon the first great drops will fall splashing in the dust.
MR. ROONEY
And yet the glass was firm. [
Pause
.] Let us hasten home and sit before the fire. We shall draw the blinds. You will read to me. I think Effie is going to commit adultery with the Major. [
Brief drag of feet
.] Wait! [
Feet cease. Stick tapping at steps
.] I have been up and down these steps five thousand times and still I do not know how many there are. When I think there are six there are four or five or seven or eight and when I remember there are five there three or four or six or seven and when finally I realize there are seven there are five or six or eight or nine. Sometimes I wonder if they do not change them in the night. [
Pause. Irritably
.] Well? How many do you make them today?
MRS. ROONEY
Do not ask me to count, Dan, not now.
MR. ROONEY
Not count! One of the few satisfactions in life!
MRS. ROONEY
Not steps, Dan, please, I always get them wrong. Then you might fall on your wound and I would have that on my manure-heap on top of everything else. No, just cling to me and all will be well.
[
Confused noise of their descent. Panting, stumbling, ejaculations, curses. Silence
.]
MR. ROONEY
Well! That is what you call well!
MRS. ROONEY
We are down. And little the worse. [
Silence. A donkey brays. Silence
.] That was a true