The Collected Shorter Plays Read Online Free

do.
MRS. ROONEY
Pismires do it for one another. [
Pause
.] I have seen slugs do it. [
Miss Fitt proffers her arm
.] No, the other side, my dear, if it’s all the same to you, I’m left-handed on top of everything else. [
She takes Miss Fitt’s right arm
.] Heavens, child, you’re just a bag of bones, you need building up. [
Sound of her toiling up steps on Miss Fitt’s arm
.] This is worse than the Matterhorn, were you ever up the Matterhorn, Miss Fitt, great honeymoon resort. [
Sound of toiling
.] Why don’t they have a handrail? [
Panting
.] Wait till I get some air. [
Pause
.]Don’t let me go! [
Miss Fitt hums her hymn. After a moment Mrs. Rooney joins in with the words
.] . . . the encircling gloo-oom . . . [
Miss Fitt stops humming
.] . . . tum tum me on. [
Forte
.] The night is dark and I am far from ho-ome, tum tum—
MISS FITT
[
hysterically
] Stop it, Mrs. Rooney, stop it, or I’ll drop you!
MRS. ROONEY
Wasn’t it that they sung on the
Lusitania
? Or Rock of Ages? Most touching it must have been. Or was it the
Titanic
?
[
Attracted by the noise a group, including Mr. Tyler, Mr. Barrell and Tommy, gathers at top of steps
.]
MR. BARRELL
What the— [
Silence
.]
MR. TYLER
Lovely day for the fixture.
[
Loud titter from Tommy cut short by Mr. Barrell with backhanded blow in the stomach. Appropriate noise from Tommy
.]
A FEMALE VOICE
[
shrill
] Oh look, Dolly, look!
DOLLY
What, Mamma?
A FEMALE VOICE
They are stuck! [
Cackling laugh
.] They are stuck!
MRS. ROONEY
Now we are the laughing-stock of the twenty-six counties. Or is it thirty-six?
MR. TYLER
That is a nice way to treat your defenceless subordinates, Mr. Barrell, hitting them without warning in the pit of the stomach.
MISS FITT
Has anyone seen my mother?
MR. BARRELL
Who is that?
TOMMY
The dark Miss Fitt.
MR. BARRELL
Where is her face?
MRS. ROONEY
Now, deary, I am ready if you are. [
They toil up remaining steps
.] Stand back, you cads! [
Shuffle of feet
.]
A FEMALE VOICE
Mind yourself, Dolly!
MRS. ROONEY
Thank you, Miss Fitt, thank you, that will do, just prop me up against the wall like a roll of tarpaulin and that will be all, for the moment. [
Pause
.] I am sorry for allthis ramdam, Miss Fitt, had I known you were looking for your mother I should not have importuned you, I know what it is.
MISS FITT
[
in marvelling aside
] Ramdam!
A FEMALE VOICE
Come, Dolly darling, let us take up our stand before the first class smokers. Give me your hand and hold me tight, one can be sucked under.
MR. TYLER
You have lost your mother, Miss Fitt?
MISS FITT
Good morning, Mr. Tyler.
MR. TYLER
Good morning, Miss Fitt.
MR. BARRELL
Good morning, Miss Fitt.
MISS FITT
Good morning, Mr. Barrell.
MR. TYLER
You have lost your mother, Miss Fitt?
MISS FITT
She said she would be on the last train.
MRS. ROONEY
Do not imagine, because I am silent, that I am not present, and alive, to all that is going on.
MR. TYLER
[
to Miss Fitt
] When you say the last train—
MRS. ROONEY
Do not flatter yourselves for one moment, because I hold aloof, that my sufferings have ceased. No. The entire scene, the hills, the plain, the racecourse with its miles and miles of white rails and three red stands, the pretty little wayside station, even you yourselves, yes, I mean it, and over all the clouding blue, I see it all, I stand here and see it all with eyes . . . [
the voice breaks
] . . . through eyes . . . oh if you had my eyes . . . you would understand . . . the things they have seen . . . and not looked away . . . this is nothing . . . nothing . . . what did I do with that handkerchief? [
Pause
.]
MR. TYLER
[
to Miss Fitt
] When you say the last train— [
Mrs. Rooney blows her nose violently and long
.] —when you say the last train, Miss Fitt, I take it you mean the twelve thirty.
MISS FITT
What else could I mean, Mr. Tyler, what else could I
conceivably
mean?
MR. TYLER
Then you have no cause for anxiety, Miss Fitt, for the twelve thirty has not yet arrived. Look. [
Miss Fitt looks
.] No, up the