William Walkers First Year of Marriage Read Online Free Page A

waitress” or “terrible what’s going on in Bangladesh”.’
    ‘Blokes don’t need to natter on the whole time.’
    ‘Oh, I see. Okay. Still, at least I know how to shake my willy.’
    Johnson was right—women should not be allowed to gatecrash bloke-nights.
WHY BRITISH MEN DON’T NATTER ON THE WHOLE TIME
    It’s exhausting.
    We’re not Italian.
    Life is too short.
    We spend our (too short) lives being nattered at by women. It is therefore only sensible to think of male company as a pause between bouts of nattering. Isabel can’t see this because she is a woman. While she made a good honorary bloke last night, she has reverted to type this morning by nattering. Even if she did make an excellent fry-up.
Monday 30 May
    Met Isabel four years ago today. Seems like much, much longer. Not in a bad way.
    Dinner at Andrew Edmunds (note for next time, refuse downstairs table if upstairs full and go somewhere else instead because left smelling like lamb chops), then a tour of all the bars we’d got drunk in back when we were all excited and unfamiliar with each other. Isabel gets super-nostalgic: ‘We sat on this sofa, you ordered those drinks, you tripped on that step and ruined the dress of a girlsitting at that table. And you were wearing that horrible off-centre skintight jumper.’
    I explain, as I did at the time, that it was bias-cut, very fashionable, chosen by a fashion PR who’d felt sorry for me. She explains, as she did at the time, that I will never be fashionable with my sticky-out ears and my sticky-out nose and my pointy little head. And I remember why I fell in love with her. And how we met on a speed-dating evening neither of us had planned to go to.
    What if she hadn’t gone along to support her recently dumped friend? What if my mate Tom hadn’t forced me to go along with him because he wasn’t going to turn up on his own ‘like some creepy pervert’?
The speed-date girls I could have ended up with
    ‘Hello, I’m William.’
    ‘Hello, William. I’m Alison. Isn’t it hard to meet people these days? Just so busy at the firm…working all the hours. Not a min, simply not a min to meet a man. Wouldn’t be here otherwise, course. If I had some sensible job, you know. Not going to meet someone between my flat and the office, am I?, which is the only time I ever get out these days. I’m not going to fall in love with the fat middle-aged guy who looks up my skirt on the Tube every morning, am I? That’s why I’m here. Not because I’m desperate.’
    ‘Hi, my name is William.’
    ‘Right, William. I’ll be straight with you. I’ve been mucked about by men far too much and I’m sick of you lying bastards. Yes, I’m blonde and yes, I have very large breasts but that doesn’t mean I’m a tart. I want to know, right now, before we go a single second further, if you’re seriously looking for love, if you want to have a relationship. You know, with actual dating and cinemas and walksin the country. I’m not interested in wasting any more time with no-hopers. Capiche?’
    ‘Good evening, I’m William.’
    ‘William. Charlotte. Do you ride? Horses, that is. Hahahahaha. I love riding. I’m still talking about horses. Hahahahahahahaha-haha-snort. I ride three. Still horses, William, you filthy-minded man. Hahahahaha. Another glass of ssshampypampy? Oh go on. Oops. Spilt it. Bit squiffy, which is odd because I’ve only had two glasses. We should go riding sometime. Not talking about horses any more, William, hahahahahaha.’

JUNE
     
‘Marriage is a wonderful invention;
But, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.’
    B ILLY C ONNOLLY
     
Wednesday 1 June
REASONS TO BE HAPPY
    Married for a month, only one proper argument and that was under immense airport-related stress. Don’t know what Johnson was worried about. If anything, life with a wife is even more exciting than life with a fiancée. Apart from the John Lewis thing, the Honeymoon That Dare Not Speak Its Name and the new, tougher