How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three Read Online Free

crawling with them. You don’t want to be here when that happens. Horrible creatures, lizardmen. Completely untrustworthy. Alway fighting for no reason, the females get pregnant before they can even stand upright, and their food smells awful. I’ve been saying for years they shouldn’t just defend the border with Monsterland, they should build a wall, but no one listens. I’ll tell you, the only good lizardman is a dead lizardman.”
     
    “You know,” said Claire in a tone that made me want to swiftly walk away, “for someone who talks a lot about not judging people on the way they look, you sound a little bit prejudiced yourself.”
     
    Jespert seemed taken aback. “Me? You mean about lizardmen? Oh no, that’s totally different. They aren’t people, they’re monsters. You can’t treat them as equals. They’ll eat you.” He’d become much more animated once he started to talk about his views on lizardmen. And it didn’t stop there. “I’ll tell you who you should really watch out for. Mermaids. Oh, those bastards. They come crawling out of the sea with hardly any clothes on and set up stalls by the roadside selling their fish and their seafood platters. It’s disgusting.”
     
    “That doesn’t sound so bad,” said Maurice.
     
    “It’s taking jobs away from honest fishermen. The land should be for people with legs, shouldn’t it? They should go back to where they came from.”
     
    “And the fishermen should stay out of the sea?” I asked.
     
    “Well, no. They have to make a living, obviously.  But it’s the principle.”
     
    It was hard to tell exactly which principle he was talking about. One minute he was all love and peace and don’t judge a book by its cover, and the next he wanted to kill everything that annoyed him. A liberal racist, but fiscally conservative.  In our world he would have made a fine politician. Other than that, he seemed quite nice.
     
    “Ooh, ooh,” said Flossie. Her fidgeting had been steadily increasing over the last few seconds. “Ah wanna see a mermaid.”
     
    “Fortunately, that isn’t possible,” said Jespert. “We’re too far from the sea here, and they don’t travel well. Or so I’ve heard. I’m happy to say I’ve never encountered one myself.”
     
    “Hold on,” said Claire. “You’ve never actually met a mermaid, but you’re sure they’re evil monsters based on what you’ve heard from other people. Doesn’t that strike you as a little ironic.”
     
    “No,” said Jespert. “There’s nothing ironic about being half-fish.”
     
    “That doesn’t even make sense.” Claire was about to lose it.
     
    Jespert seemed unaware of the danger he was in. “You should head for Dargot, you’ll probably be safe there.”
     
    “That’s where we were headed,” I said, “but the lizardmen are blocking the way. We were hoping to cross the road once they passed by, but it sounds like that won’t be for a while.”
 
    “Oh, you can’t use the road. You could use the tunnels, though. It takes a little longer, but much less dangerous, for the most part.”
     
    “There are tunnels?” I said. “To Dargot?”
     
    “Well, not all the way, but they’ll get you past the lizardmen. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your evening. Nnnnnghhhhh.” He started to turn again, hand clamped against his jaw.
     
    “Uhm,” said Flossie. “Is this what you were looking for?” She pulled a small blue flower out of her hair and held it out.
     
    “Oh, clovis!” A smile cracked his face wide open. Yes, that is how I mean it. “Thank you.” Jespert took the flower in his skeletal, partly decomposed hand and popped it into his mouth. He rubbed his jaw, then stretched. “Ahhh. That’s better.”
     
    Suddenly he was able to move a lot more freely and his whole body seemed to relax. “Okay, grab your stuff and follow me. As a sign of my gratitude, I’ll show you the tunnels. Behave yourselves, and I may even treat you to a home cooked meal. And no,