The Last Testament: A Memoir Read Online Free
Author: God, David Javerbaum
Tags: Humor, Religión, General, Literary Criticism, American, Topic
going on?”
3 That last allegation is shocking and outrageous; and I would like nothing more than to provide thee the simple explanation for how all this begetting was accomplished in a perfectly wholesome manner;
4 But alas, I have been advised by counsel not to discuss these matters due to ongoing litigation.
5 Instead I will now turn my attention to my next great crisis; for one of the lessons I had already learned about godding, was that it involved a good deal more crisis management than I had anticipated.
6 So after Cain, I decided to step back for a little bit; to let mankind find its own way in the world; to sweat not the small stuff—for lo, it was all small stuff.
7 Thus I observed silently as generation begat generation; as the human race developed new skills like hunting, and gathering, and the now-lost art of gatherhunting.
8 There was ample time for everyone to learn from their mistakes; for recall that in those times people’s lifespans were many centuries long.
9 (The record was Methuselah, who lived 969 years; the last 940 of which he spent repeatedly telling family and friends how much better things were the first 29.)
10 And I watched it all unfold, and I could not but be impressed with the great achievements of my own greatest achievement; but the wickedness . . .
11 My goodness, the wickedness.
12 I shall spare thee the embarrassment of describing in detail the wanton debauchery of thy ancestors; I will simply say that the wickedness continued to grow, and in all aspects of society: family life grew more wicked; tribal governance grew more wicked; even group sex grew more wicked, which was surprising, since it was starting from a point that was already pretty wicked.
13 Finally I came to feel what is recorded in Genesis 6:6: “And it repented the L ORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him in his heart.”
14 At this point I can almost hear some of my young doubters reading this in their dorm cloisters, sipping their bean extracts, brows arched midsmirk, scoffing, “But if you’re ‘God,’ why didn’t you just make man perfect to begin with, wiseguy?”
15 There are two answers to this question, the first being: consider thyself smited.
16 But the second is, that in creating the human race I did achieve perfection; a perfection of balance between the forces driving it toward good, and those driving it toward evil.
17 The dozens of distinct impulses and drives within thee, may be likened to individual athletes tasked with uniting themselves for the betterment of a team; a team which may be a nation, or a tribe, or a family, or even a single human soul.
18 And some teams rise, and others fall; and some succeed dishonorably, and some fail with honor; and individual victories and defeats are short-lived; yet the larger cycle of victory and defeat is eternal.
19 And eventually all the teams go under, and are replaced by new franchises that play in stadiums with bigger luxury boxes than the previous ones; and it is in the biggest such box of all where you will find me, rapt, smiling, sipping a metaphysical brewski; enthralled by the game, and the perfection of its entertainment;
20 For I am the L ORD thy God, Commissioner of the Universe: and I am always ready for some football.
21 Yet once in a while something in the very fabric of the sport goes so awry, that the Commissioner himself is obliged to step down from his high perch, and reset the balance.
22 In the sphere of football, this means re-allotting draft picks, or renegotiating the collective bargaining agreement.
23 In the sphere of divinity, this means drowning humanity.
CHAPTER 8
1 O f all the people of his time, only Noah found grace in my eyes; for he was wise, and upright, and honest, and as it says in the text, he “walked with God”; though in truth I wish that now and again he would have jogged with God; for he had a bit of a paunch.
2 Noah was a great man; he had a lovely wife, Nameless; and three terrific children,
3 That last allegation is shocking and outrageous; and I would like nothing more than to provide thee the simple explanation for how all this begetting was accomplished in a perfectly wholesome manner;
4 But alas, I have been advised by counsel not to discuss these matters due to ongoing litigation.
5 Instead I will now turn my attention to my next great crisis; for one of the lessons I had already learned about godding, was that it involved a good deal more crisis management than I had anticipated.
6 So after Cain, I decided to step back for a little bit; to let mankind find its own way in the world; to sweat not the small stuff—for lo, it was all small stuff.
7 Thus I observed silently as generation begat generation; as the human race developed new skills like hunting, and gathering, and the now-lost art of gatherhunting.
8 There was ample time for everyone to learn from their mistakes; for recall that in those times people’s lifespans were many centuries long.
9 (The record was Methuselah, who lived 969 years; the last 940 of which he spent repeatedly telling family and friends how much better things were the first 29.)
10 And I watched it all unfold, and I could not but be impressed with the great achievements of my own greatest achievement; but the wickedness . . .
11 My goodness, the wickedness.
12 I shall spare thee the embarrassment of describing in detail the wanton debauchery of thy ancestors; I will simply say that the wickedness continued to grow, and in all aspects of society: family life grew more wicked; tribal governance grew more wicked; even group sex grew more wicked, which was surprising, since it was starting from a point that was already pretty wicked.
13 Finally I came to feel what is recorded in Genesis 6:6: “And it repented the L ORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him in his heart.”
14 At this point I can almost hear some of my young doubters reading this in their dorm cloisters, sipping their bean extracts, brows arched midsmirk, scoffing, “But if you’re ‘God,’ why didn’t you just make man perfect to begin with, wiseguy?”
15 There are two answers to this question, the first being: consider thyself smited.
16 But the second is, that in creating the human race I did achieve perfection; a perfection of balance between the forces driving it toward good, and those driving it toward evil.
17 The dozens of distinct impulses and drives within thee, may be likened to individual athletes tasked with uniting themselves for the betterment of a team; a team which may be a nation, or a tribe, or a family, or even a single human soul.
18 And some teams rise, and others fall; and some succeed dishonorably, and some fail with honor; and individual victories and defeats are short-lived; yet the larger cycle of victory and defeat is eternal.
19 And eventually all the teams go under, and are replaced by new franchises that play in stadiums with bigger luxury boxes than the previous ones; and it is in the biggest such box of all where you will find me, rapt, smiling, sipping a metaphysical brewski; enthralled by the game, and the perfection of its entertainment;
20 For I am the L ORD thy God, Commissioner of the Universe: and I am always ready for some football.
21 Yet once in a while something in the very fabric of the sport goes so awry, that the Commissioner himself is obliged to step down from his high perch, and reset the balance.
22 In the sphere of football, this means re-allotting draft picks, or renegotiating the collective bargaining agreement.
23 In the sphere of divinity, this means drowning humanity.
CHAPTER 8
1 O f all the people of his time, only Noah found grace in my eyes; for he was wise, and upright, and honest, and as it says in the text, he “walked with God”; though in truth I wish that now and again he would have jogged with God; for he had a bit of a paunch.
2 Noah was a great man; he had a lovely wife, Nameless; and three terrific children,
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