The Last Testament: A Memoir Read Online Free Page A

Shem, Ham, and Japheth; verily, their domestic interaction had a real My Three Sons feel to it; for they were always courteous, and hokey, and unironically used words like “Jeepers!”
3 So I told Noah my plan; and how I meant to save him and his family by having him build an ark of the dimensions 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits.
4 (Here I must insert a plea, that mankind at least consider reinstating the cubit system; which remains the most marvelous method of measurement ever invented, putting the metric and imperial systems to shame.
5 Four digits a palm, seven palms a cubit, six cubits a reed, two reeds a nindan and ten nindans an aslu —I defy thee to devise units of greater common-sense and utility; especially to anyone with even a passing interest in the irrigation of millet.)
6 And Noah did wondrous work constructing the ship, considering I bade him make it of “gopher wood”; that is the phrase used in Genesis, and scholars ever since have debated exactly what type of wood was so denoted; and the answer is, no type at all;
7 For gopher wood was at that time a euphemism, for lead-bolted plate steel.
8 And now I come to one of the bigger revelations thou wilt find within these pages.
9 I did not ask Noah to put two of every animal on board the ark.
10 I know that is what it says in the Bible, but consider: A phylogenetically complete double bestiary contained within a 450,000-cubic-cubit water-craft?
11 Why, in but a medium-sized zoo, the animals themselves occupy nearly 450,000 cubic cubits; and that is to say nothing of the space required for their food and shelter, or their grazing and roaming areas; and of course a zoo contains but a tiny fraction of the total number of global species;
12 Not to mention the wide array of artificial habitat needs, ranging from arctic to tropical, that would have to be constructed and maintained on board; or the arduousness of gathering the animals from these habitats, many of them in continents heretofore not even mentioned in the Old Testament . . .
13 I could go on and on.
14 No; I did not say, “Put two of every animal on board the ship.”
15 What I said was, “Put two of any animal on board the ship.”
16 For I knew Noah and his family were in for a long, treacherous voyage; and that they would be confined indoors for over five months; and that under such circumstances, it would be comforting for all aboard, particularly the kids, to bring with them two dogs, or two cats, or even two hamsters.
17 I recommended dogs, but I left the choice to Noah; for I have never been a cat God.
18 As it happened, Noah did choose two dogs, cocker spaniel puppies he purchased the day before the rains came—Sparky and Pillow.
19 But hundreds of years later, when I dictated this story to Moses upon Mt. Sinai, he misheard me as saying “Two of every animal.”
20 I corrected him immediately, but we both found the implication of the phrase amusing; and for the next hour or so we made much mirth of the idea of a ship containing so many animals;
21 For Moses would say, “It sounds un-‘bear’-able!”; and I would say, “Really? To me it sounds ‘purr’-fect!”; and he would say, “You’re a ‘dog’-gone liar!”; and so forth;
22 And this brought us such happiness, that we kept it in; never thinking any of thee could possibly take it seriously.
23 A six-day creation, talking snakes, 969-year-old men: such things are clearly factual and fall well within the realm of the credible.
24 But two of every animal on a single boat?
25 No; all the other animals—the beasts, and the birds of the air, and the creeping things of the earth—all of them were zapped frozen and left floating in ice cubes until the whole thing was over.

CHAPTER 9
1 T he tempestuous cruise of Noah and his family was of such duration that by the time the waves subsided, the buffet was almost depleted.
2 The ice sculptures had long since melted; the top-shelf liquor was gone; the bottomless shrimp were