The Colossal Camera Calamity Read Online Free

Zipzer,” Mr Love said, reappearing in the school hall at that very moment. He was holding a skull from science class. “Now, young man. We’ve got to wrap this up by three.”
    I slunk out of the chair, dragged myself over to my mates, and sank down on the floor, my wet head in my sticky hands.
    “Forget it, dude,” Frankie said. “It’s only a photo.” He smiled at me with his fake teeth.
    “Why’s the seat all wet?” Mr Love was saying. “Oh well, I think it’s better to stand anyway. More powerful – bolder.” He held the skull out in front of him and gazed at it, as though he was lost in deep thoughts. “No, no, no. It’s not right. It all feels too … Hamlet. I want to strike a more historical pose – get across the sense of a great leader. Hamlet was too … too…”
    “Indecisive?” the photographer offered.
    “Exactly,” Mr Love said. “I’ll be right back.” He jogged from the photographer’s booth, handing me the skull as he passed. I wondered if he knew it was a baboon skull. “Return this to the science lab.”
    I was too miserable to move. I’d ruined my school photo again. I could almost hear my future self laughing at me. I could certainly hear McKelty laughing at me. He was so clean he was practically glowing.
    I gazed at the baboon skull. Even
it
seemed to be laughing at me. And why not? I was wet and sticky and covered in blackcurrant juice. I stuck my tongue out and licked some from my face. It tasted bitter.

CHAPTER EIGHT
    “I guess I’m just a loser again,” I said as we walked to maths. The blackcurrant juice had mostly dried, but, boy, was it sticky.
    “You’re not a loser,” Ashley said. “Your photo will look…”
    “Rugged? Ruggish?” I said.
    “
Unique
,” she said.
    I sighed.
    “Who cares?” Frankie said. “All of our school photos are boring. Yours will stand out.”
    “Because I’m purple.”
    “There’s always next year,” Ashley said.
    “Why will next year be any different?” I asked. “Don’t you guys get it? This happens every year. Every year I do something stupid, or something stupid happens to me. And it doesn’t matter if it only lasts a fraction of a second. It’s always the same fraction of a second that my photo is taken. It keeps happening. I guess I’ve got to just accept that I won’t be the first kid to walk on Mars and try to live my sad loser life with dignity.”
    I looked at all the kids in the corridor. They were so happy and normal. I didn’t want to be like them all the time. I didn’t even want to be like them for a whole day – just for the fraction of a second. All I wanted was not to do something weird or stupid for the fraction of a second in which my photo was taken. With slumped shoulders, I took another step and fell flat on my face.
    An untied shoelace.
    “Hey, look, everyone!” McKelty yelled from the other end of the hall. “Hank fell! Ha ha ha.” Then he chucked orange peels at me. I didn’t even try to block them.
    “Come on, dude,” Frankie said, crouching down in front of me. “Get up.”
    “Yeah, let us help you,” Ashley said, putting out her hand.
    “You need to think positively, Hank,” Frankie said.
    “Think positively,” I exclaimed. “Think positively?!” And then I stopped speaking because I’d seen something that made me smile.
    “Wow, you cheer up fast,” Ashley said as she helped me up.
    “Look!” I pointed. “Look!”
    Frankie glanced over at the lost property office. “You lose your keys … again?”
    “No!” I gasped. “Lost property. It’s genius. The perfect solution. Don’t you see?”
    “We see
it
, Hank,” Ashley said, shrugging at Frankie. “But why don’t you tell us what
you
see?”
    “I can find another school uniform, get back in line and have my photo taken again. There’s still hope!”

CHAPTER NINE
    The jumper was too tight and it was cutting off the blood flow to my brain. The bottom of it didn’t even reach my belly button, but I