The Book of Great Funny One-Liners Read Online Free Page B

poisoning.
    Patricia O’Toole, American writer
    John Tyler has been called a mediocre man; but this is unwarranted flattery. He was a man of monumental littleness.
    Theodore Roosevelt, American president
    I fired Douglas McArthur because he wouldn’t respect the office of the President. I didn’t fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was.
    Harry S. Truman, American president
    Arthur Scargill couldn’t negotiate his way out of a toilet.
    Ray Lynk, American businessman
    Never in the history of fashion has so little material been raised so high to reveal so much that needs to be covered so badly.
    Cecil Beaton, British photographer
    The news of President Eisenhower’s campaigning for Richard Nixon depresses me. After a clear record of eight years, I hate to see him involved in politics.
    Mort Sahl, American comedian
    I have nothing against Nicholas Ridley’s wife or family, but I think it’s time he spent more time with them.
    Philip Goodhart, British politician
    Congressmen are so damned dumb, they could throw themselves on the ground and miss.
    James Traficant, American politician
    Dan Quayle taught the kids a valuable lesson: if you don’t study you could end up Vice-President.
    Jay Leno, American television presenter
    I never accepted a knighthood because to me honour is enough. Besides, they get one into disreputable company.
    George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright
    Quoting Ronald Reagan accurately is called mud slinging.
    Walter Mondale, American vice president
    The illegitimate child of Karl Marx and Catherine the Great.
    Clement Atlee on Russian communism
    As for the look on Dan Quayle’s face—how to describe it? If a tree fell in a forest, and there was no one to hear it, it might sound like Dan Quayle looks.
    Tom Shales, American critic
    A British prime minister was on a tour of New York when his proud guide pointed out a building that was so solid that it would last a thousand years.
    ‘Dear, dear me! What a pity!’ he replied.
    The President is going to lead us out of this recovery.
    Dan Quayle, American vice president
    Poor George. He can’t help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
    Ann Richards, former Governor of Texas
    George Bush’s problem is that the clothes have no emperor.
    Anna Quindlen, American writer
    Paul Shannon is educated beyond his intelligence.
    Dennis Skinner, British politician
    You have to get to know Dewey to dislike him.
    Robert A. Taft, American politician
    They inculcate the morals of a whore and the manners of a dancing master.
    Samuel Johnson, English writer and lexicographer, on Lord Chesterfield’s letters of advice to his son
    Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
    H.L. Mencken, American journalist and political commentator
    Margaret Beckett looks like a woman resigned to walk home alone to an empty bed-sit after Grab-a-Granny night at the local disco.
    Richard Littlejohn, British writer
    The idea of Prince Charles conversing with vegetables is not quite so amusing when you remember that he’s had plenty of practice chatting to members of his own family.
    Jaci Stephens, British journalist

Eyesores and Sore
Eyes
    What is art? Prostitution.
    Charles Baudelaire, French writer
    It makes me look as if I were straining a stool.
    Winston Churchill commenting on his famous portrait by Graham Sutherland
    A decorator tainted with insanity.
    American art critic Kenyon Cox on Paul Gauguin
    When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry—for the clothes.
    Josh Billings, American humorist
    Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick or is about to be.
    Noel Coward, British actor and dramatist
    A living is made by selling something everybody needs at least once a year. And a million is made by producing something that everybody needs every day. You artists produce something nobody needs at any time.
    Thornton Wilder, American playwright
    I am the only woman in the world who had