The Book of Great Funny One-Liners Read Online Free Page A

Bierce, American writer
    A statesman is a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
    Bob Edwards, American radio host
    Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as revenge.
    Bella Abzug, American feminist
    A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown around the country. Now he’s unknown throughout the world.
    Norman Mailer, American writer
    Most politicians look like people who have become human by correspondence course.
    A.A. Gill, British columnist
    Some Republicans are so ignorant that they wouldn’t know how to pour piss out of a boot—even if the instructions were written on the heel.
    Lyndon B. Johnson, American president
    One could drive a schooner through any part of his argument and never scrape against a fact.
    David Houston on fellow American politician William Jennings Bryan
    As an intellectual he bestowed upon the games of golf and bridge all the enthusiasm and perseverance that he withheld from books and ideas.
    American writer Emmet Hughes on Dwight Eisenhower
    To err is Truman.
    Walter Winchell, American commentator
    All political parties die at last from swallowing their own lies.
    John Arbuthnot, Scottish writer and physician
    Mr Howard and his government are just Yes-men to the United States. There they are, a conga line of suckholes on the conservative side of Australian politics.
    Australian politician Mark Lathamon John Howard
    In Pierre Trudeau Canada has at last produced a politician worthy of assassination.
    Irving Layton, Canadian poet
    Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule, and both commonly succeed, and are right.
    H. L. Mencken, American journalist
    There are two politicians drowning and you are allowed to save only one. What do you do? Read a newspaper or eat your lunch?
    Mort Sahl, American comedian
    If there had been any formidable body of cannibals in the country he would have promised to provide them with free missionaries, fattened at the taxpayer’s expense.
    American journalist H.L. Mencken on Harry Truman’s 1948 presidential campaign
    Asked if they’d have sex with President Clinton, 90 per cent of American women replied ‘Never again.’
    Albert Roge, American writer
    A semi-housetrained polecat.
    Michael Foot on Norman Tebbit
    Bill Clinton is the only politician in the world who can distract people’s attention from one sex scandal by being involved in another.
    Matthew Campbell, Australian footballer
    If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday.
    American journalist H.L. Mencken on president Franklin D. Roosevelt
    When German-American politician Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, I gave up satire on the grounds of unfair competition.
    Tom Lehrer, American musical satirist
    Politics is show business for ugly people.
    Paul Begala, American political consultant
    I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
    Ronald Reagan, American president
    Politicians are like nappies. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
    Patrick Murray, Britsh actor
    Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.
    John Quintan, British commentator
    Self-esteem is a good thing but anyone who has ever toilet trained a child knows that it is possible to make too much of the efforts of the child on the potty. One wonders if little Ed Koch was told once too often what a great thing he’d done and began to think that all that emanated from his being was pretty great.
    Peggy Noonan. American writer
    Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Reagan couldn’t tell the difference.
    Mort Sahl, American comedian
    There are only a few original jokes and most of them are in Congress.
    Will Rogers, American humorist
    Theodore Roosevelt was an old maid with testosterone