The Book of Great Funny One-Liners Read Online Free

misfortune, and if anybody pulled him out of that, I suppose, would be a calamity.
    Benjamin Disraeli on fellow British Prime Minister William Gladstone
    He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
    British statesman John Bright on Benjamin Disraeli
    He never spares himself in conversation. He gives himself so generously that hardly anyone else is permitted to give anything in his presence.
    British politician Aneurin Bevan on Winston Churchill
    Aneurin Bevan is a thrombosis. A bloody clot that undermines the constitution.
    Winston Churchill, British statesman
    The Prime Minister has an absolute genius for putting flamboyant labels on empty luggage.
    British politician Aneurin Bevan on Harold Macmillan
    Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
    P.J. O’Rourke, American writer
    Tony Blair has pushed moderation to extremes.
    Robert MacLennan, Scottish politician
    This island is made mainly of coal and is surrounded by fish. Only an organising genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.
    British politician Aneurin Bevan on the Tory Party
    It was said Mr Gladstone could convince most people of most things, and himself of anything.
    British clergyman Dean William R. Inge on William Gladstone
    Aneurin Bevan of course was himself far from being universally admired. He even felt the betrayal of his own Labour Party exclaiming once to them: ‘Damn it all, you can’t have the crown of thorns and the thirty pieces of silver!’
    Daily Express comment on Bevan
    My colleagues tell military secrets to their wives, except Asquith who tells them to other people’s wives.
    Lord Kitchener (the model for the famous and oft-imitated I Want You poster of WWI).
    We’d all like to vote for the best man but he’s never a candidate.
    Kin Hubbard, American cartoonist and humorist
    Winston is always expecting rabbits to come out of empty hats.
    Field Marshall Lord Waveil on Winston Churchill’s handling of WWII
    The Honourable Gentleman should not generate more indignation than he can conveniently contain.
    Winston Churchill to an overly irate politician William Wedgwood Benn
    I have a great admiration for Mussolini, who has welded a nation out of a collection of touts, blackmailers, ice-cream vendors and gangsters.
    Michael Bateman, British journalist
    If Max gets to Heaven he won’t last long. He will be chucked out for trying to pull off a merger between Heaven and Hell… after having secured a controlling interest in key subsidiary companies in both places, of course.
    Briish writer H.G. Wells on Lord Beaverbrook.
    His ear is so sensitively attuned to the bugle note of history that he is often deaf to the more raucous clamour of modern life.
    British Labour politician Aneurin Bevan on Winston Churchill
    John Major is the only man who ran away from the circus to become an accountant.
    Edward Pearce, British writer
    When you have a skunk it is better to have him inside the tent pissing out than outside pissing in.
    President Lyndon B. Johnson on J. Edgar Hoover
    Harold Wilson is going around the country stirring up apathy.
    William Whitelaw, British politician
    The best description of Margaret Thatcher I ever heard is that she’s just the sort of woman who wouldn’t give you your ball back.
    Mike Harding, British comedian
    Trust J. Edgar Hoover as much as you would a rattlesnake with a silencer on his rattle.
    Dean Acheson. American statesman
    A fool and his money are soon elected.
    Will Rogers, American humorist
    Rumsfeld is admired as a genius by people who find conceit alone to be evidence of genius.
    Beast magazine’s description of Donald Rumsfeld
    Politics is derived from two words—poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning small, blood-sucking insects.
    Chris Clayton, American writer
    Ambassador, n. A person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the administration on the condition that he leaves the country.
    Ambrose