Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Read Online Free Page A
Author: Jeffery Self
marriage; the environment; Darfur; AIDS; hungry children; the homeless; the war; or Arcade Fire going too mainstream. Hipsters are also extremely vocal against gentrification in the areas where they are responsible for said gentrification.
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Recently, I sat down with the Heterosexual Hipster who works at my local coffee shop. His name is Zane, and he looks like a cleaner Tilda Swinton. Here is a direct transcript of our interview on the Heterosexual lifestyle and when he first “knew.”
Zane stares at me blankly until I go away.
P.S . Just in case you were dying to know, I did end up getting the banana-nut scone, and he was right—it was delicious.
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D ISPOSITION
A too-cool-for-school vibe, but they’d never use that term, or even the word cool , because they’re too cool even for that.
A VERSIONS
Anything embraced by the masses, including American Idol, The Bachelor , Katy Perry, Russell Brand after he married Katy Perry, anything on CBS.
M IGRATION P ATTERN
Hipsters love migrating to cities such as Portland, Seattle, and Austin. Also, anywhere with a used record store and a coffee shop run by people who don’t make eye contact with you.
H ABITAT
Hipsters usually live in ghettoized areas that cater to their Hipster way of life. In these habitats, you will find boutiques selling clothes made of organic cotton; lots of kale; gift shops that sell nothing but handmade soap; bars that serve Pabst Blue Ribbon; and a population where 40 percent of both the men and women look just like Michael Cera.
T URN -O NS
Food trucks; gelato; espresso; old-fashioned soda made with cane sugar; not having cable; talking about not having cable; knit caps; vests; naming their wireless networks after characters from Twin Peaks ; claiming they were one of the first people to join Instagram; plaid; girls who look like Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta ; boys who look like Daniel Day-Lewis in pretty much anything; paisley prints; irony.
T URN -O FFS
Bank of America; acting like their parents; shopping malls; Julia Roberts movies; processed food; children; the book Tuesdays with Morrie ; country music; and saying, “cool beans.”
THE FRAT BOY
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T OPOGRAPHY
The term Frat Boy refers to men belonging to a fraternity, a college-based social group that works as a social members-only club, and puts young men in one house full of beer and unacknowledged homoerotic tension. Fraternities have all sorts of secret rules and activities, and one cannot simply join, but must earn admittance through humiliating activities that include anything from streaking across campus to getting paddled on the butt with a big wooden stick. Again, it’s worth stressing that this is a Heterosexual activity. The Frat Boy is a male who is eithercurrently in one of these fraternities or is an alum of a fraternity who hasn’t been able to get over his glory days or get a job.
H OW TO S POT
Frat Boys favor comfort over style: hats worn backward; expensive watches; boxer shorts with Homer Simpson’s face printed on the butt; baggy pants; and T-shirts from places like American Eagle and Hollister. Nine times out of 10, a Frat Boy is wearing at least one article of clothing with a team number printed on it for absolutely no reason whatsoever. In some cases, Frat Boys who are no longer in college and are forced to join the real world will throw on a suit and tie for the daily grind. But you’d better believe that the Green Bay Packers T-shirt he wore all weekend without washing is getting a third act the minute he gets home.
B ACKGROUND
A Frat Boy can come from anywhere, but once he joins a fraternity, it will completely change his life for better and worse. The better being making lifelong friends, and the worse being liver failure and flunking out of Notre Dame all before his second semester of sophomore year.
P HILOSOPHY AND B ELIEFS
Beer.
D ISPOSITION
Unbearably “fun.”
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The Most Frequently Asked Questions about Frat Boys
Q. What
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Recently, I sat down with the Heterosexual Hipster who works at my local coffee shop. His name is Zane, and he looks like a cleaner Tilda Swinton. Here is a direct transcript of our interview on the Heterosexual lifestyle and when he first “knew.”
Zane stares at me blankly until I go away.
P.S . Just in case you were dying to know, I did end up getting the banana-nut scone, and he was right—it was delicious.
----
D ISPOSITION
A too-cool-for-school vibe, but they’d never use that term, or even the word cool , because they’re too cool even for that.
A VERSIONS
Anything embraced by the masses, including American Idol, The Bachelor , Katy Perry, Russell Brand after he married Katy Perry, anything on CBS.
M IGRATION P ATTERN
Hipsters love migrating to cities such as Portland, Seattle, and Austin. Also, anywhere with a used record store and a coffee shop run by people who don’t make eye contact with you.
H ABITAT
Hipsters usually live in ghettoized areas that cater to their Hipster way of life. In these habitats, you will find boutiques selling clothes made of organic cotton; lots of kale; gift shops that sell nothing but handmade soap; bars that serve Pabst Blue Ribbon; and a population where 40 percent of both the men and women look just like Michael Cera.
T URN -O NS
Food trucks; gelato; espresso; old-fashioned soda made with cane sugar; not having cable; talking about not having cable; knit caps; vests; naming their wireless networks after characters from Twin Peaks ; claiming they were one of the first people to join Instagram; plaid; girls who look like Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta ; boys who look like Daniel Day-Lewis in pretty much anything; paisley prints; irony.
T URN -O FFS
Bank of America; acting like their parents; shopping malls; Julia Roberts movies; processed food; children; the book Tuesdays with Morrie ; country music; and saying, “cool beans.”
THE FRAT BOY
----
T OPOGRAPHY
The term Frat Boy refers to men belonging to a fraternity, a college-based social group that works as a social members-only club, and puts young men in one house full of beer and unacknowledged homoerotic tension. Fraternities have all sorts of secret rules and activities, and one cannot simply join, but must earn admittance through humiliating activities that include anything from streaking across campus to getting paddled on the butt with a big wooden stick. Again, it’s worth stressing that this is a Heterosexual activity. The Frat Boy is a male who is eithercurrently in one of these fraternities or is an alum of a fraternity who hasn’t been able to get over his glory days or get a job.
H OW TO S POT
Frat Boys favor comfort over style: hats worn backward; expensive watches; boxer shorts with Homer Simpson’s face printed on the butt; baggy pants; and T-shirts from places like American Eagle and Hollister. Nine times out of 10, a Frat Boy is wearing at least one article of clothing with a team number printed on it for absolutely no reason whatsoever. In some cases, Frat Boys who are no longer in college and are forced to join the real world will throw on a suit and tie for the daily grind. But you’d better believe that the Green Bay Packers T-shirt he wore all weekend without washing is getting a third act the minute he gets home.
B ACKGROUND
A Frat Boy can come from anywhere, but once he joins a fraternity, it will completely change his life for better and worse. The better being making lifelong friends, and the worse being liver failure and flunking out of Notre Dame all before his second semester of sophomore year.
P HILOSOPHY AND B ELIEFS
Beer.
D ISPOSITION
Unbearably “fun.”
----
The Most Frequently Asked Questions about Frat Boys
Q. What
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