is a frat house?
A. A frat house is a structure (usually a beautiful old house) where fraternity brothers live together while attending college and beating Guinness Book of World Records statistics on the most tequila consumed by one human being, and avoiding the act of cleaning and/or studying.
Q. What does a frat house smell like?
A. A frat house is an extremely masculine environment, so expect extremely masculine smells, and if you’re still confused as to what that means, open your dirty clothes hamper, dig all the way to the bottom while holding your nose, get as deep into the hamper as possible, then inhale the musky aroma, and you’ve pretty much smelled the inside of a frat house.
Q. So just what does the inside of a frat house look like?
A. Full disclosure: The closest thing to a frat house I’ve ever been in was the house where all the male dancers lived at the arts conservatory I went to for college, and not only did it smell of beautiful lavender candles, but it also looked like the inside of Nathan Lane’s suitcase. Traditionally, a frat house will be decorated with hypermasculine décor, such as empty beer bottles displayed in rows atop cabinets and other flat surfaces; large poster images of women in swimsuits; Family Guy memorabilia; and any sort of signage that declares it to be Miller Time. *
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A VERSIONS
Smart cars; anything considered “cute.”
M IGRATION P ATTERN
See Spring Break ( page 142 ).
H ABITAT
Enter at your own risk. You know how when you leave dirty socks in your backpack for a few days, and then suddenly it’s the weekend and you’re like, “I’ll wait until Monday to bring in my bag,” and then Monday comes and your car smells like Mickey Rourke after a jog through the desert? That’s how a Frat Boy’s habitat will most likely smell.
T URN -O NS
Naked women; keg stands; * beer; TV shows about monster trucks; epic Saturday nights; nicknaming one’s penis something like the General or Captain Corona; porn; movies in which carsexplode; movies in which entire cities explode; movies in which people explode; and did I already mention beer?
T URN -O FFS
Sushi; documentaries; The New Yorker; wearing a shirt; blogs about performance art; this book.
THE OUTSPOKEN LIBERAL
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T OPOGRAPHY
Many Heterosexuals are outspoken supporters of liberal causes and politics. Generally, these Heterosexuals are savvy urbanites who have donated at least $50 to National Public Radio within the past six months and carry around a Fresh Air with Terry Gross tote bag to prove it.
H OW TO S POT
Outspoken Liberal Heterosexuals usually look just like everyone else, except maybe slightly more stylish, considering their frequent exposure to gay friends.
B ACKGROUND
The greatest thing about being an Outspoken Liberal is that you can be from anywhere you want to be. However, those from Georgia or Louisiana should be prepared for skepticism.
P HILOSOPHY AND B ELIEFS
Basically anything that Rush Limbaugh would consider “un-American.”
D ISPOSITION
Good listeners, or at least they’re good at positioning their very trendy glasses on the tip of the nose and making an expression that looks like they’re listening.
A VERSIONS
Close-mindedness; inequality; Jeff Foxworthy.
M IGRATION P ATTERN
Open-minded places, such as Vermont, San Francisco, and the literary theory section at Barnes & Noble.
H ABITAT
Aesthetically pleasing and unique spaces, including lofts, old buildings converted into houses, and homes with colorful histories and enlightening stories the Outspoken Liberal can share at dinner parties (i.e., “You know, this was Buster Keaton’s house for like two months before he drank himself to death”).
T URN -O NS
Activism; singer-songwriters; film festivals; feminist poetry; pictures of Michelle Obama gardening; Internet-based comedians; Dylan Thomas quotes as Facebook statuses; dogs named after any character in To Kill a Mockingbird ; NBC Thursday night comedies; Showtime; iPads;