Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Read Online Free

appearances; however, once the marriage has reached roughly the 10-year mark, the couple’s devotion to their appearance becomes less and less of apriority, eventually resulting in the wearing of sweatpants and the nightly television viewing of whatever is playing on TLC, which, let’s be honest, is probably something about conjoined twins.
B ACKGROUND
    While background is not a major factor in the life of a Heterosexual Married Couple, their upbringing can sometimes come into play when they’re fighting. Key phrases, such as “You sound just like your father” and “You’re turning into your mother” can end a disagreement between a Married Couple faster than whatever began it, which, it should be noted, is always the Heterosexual Male’s fault.
P HILOSOPHY AND B ELIEFS
    Many Married Couples include two people with extremely different views and beliefs. It took my own mother something like 15 years to tell my father that she was a closet Democrat and that she hates baby back ribs (two things that, as a rule, go hand in hand).
D ISPOSITION
    Married Couples can go from happy to not happy in a matter of seconds. A couple might be having a great day, but then the male might say something stupid about Claudia, the female’s best friend, and all hell breaks loose. Married Couples must be able to say, “I’m sorry. I’m stupid. I was wrong. You’re nothing like Satan, and neither is Claudia.”
A VERSIONS
    Infidelity. The biggest threat to a Married Couple is that woman who works in the man’s office, who is always wearing those low-cut blouses that are three sizes too small and who smells like cigarettes mixed with Bath & Body Works, or that guy who works with the woman and who looks like a sexy Woody Harrelson and is always suggesting they go jogging together. These types of Heterosexuals are called home wreckers or Angelina Jolie. *
M IGRATION P ATTERN
    Married Couples love to travel, mainly because when you live with someone 24/7, you run out of things to talk about, so migration offers conversation starters like, “Hey! Look at that fountain!” and “I like the Chinese food at the mall back home a lot better than all this crap in Asia.”
H ABITAT
    A Married Couple’s habitat brings characteristics of the two Heterosexuals into one place. Usually the female’s taste prevails overthe male’s, and his golf trophy from eight years ago is forced into a room called the Man Cave. *
T URN -O NS
    When he does the dishes and she pretends to enjoy The Expendables 2 .
T URN -O FFS
    When their DVR forgets to record whatever Bravo reality show they’re most into—usually Top Chef .
THE HIPSTER
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T OPOGRAPHY
    A Hipster is a Heterosexual Male or Female who rebels against popular culture and favors styles, tastes, and interests that are of the utmost hipness.
Q&A
    Q. Are you a Hipster?
    A. No. I’m an individual. One of a kind.
    Q. Where did you get your shirt?
    A. Urban Outfitters. Why?
H OW TO S POT
    Hipsters have one of the most distinctive looks among Heterosexuals. Hipsters favor skinny jeans, vintage shirts, colorful sneakers, thick-rimmed glasses, boots, “ironic” facial hair, and an attitude that says, “I don’t care how bad I smell. Wanna read my zine?” If you’re walking down the street and you see someone who looks like he’s in a 1980s workout video; looks homeless but has an iPhone; or looks like he’s stepped out of colonial times, you’ve most likely spotted a Hipster. If it’s the latter, you might have just spotted an Amish person, in which case I have no suggestions on how to approach him, as my knowledge of Amish culture is limited to For Richer or Poorer , starring Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley.
B ACKGROUND
    Hipsters often come from very wealthy backgrounds, but have chosen old clothes, dirty hair, and musky body odor as their ultimate form of rebellion against their type-A parents. Or they’re European.
P HILOSOPHY AND B ELIEFS
    Hipsters love having a cause. Causes include gay