Moving Forward Read Online Free
Adjusting to life without my sister would certainly take time, but I couldn’t focus on my grief, and the reason why was curled up in a crib, looking angelic in a white sleeper decorated with little red and pink flowers. Despite the pain and shock of the last few hours, I smiled as I looked at my sleeping niece.
She was so beautiful, completely peaceful, though I suspected she wouldn’t be that way for long—another half hour, maybe, and she would be ready for a diaper change and a bottle and… well, whatever else three-month-olds needed first thing in the morning.
“I guess I’ve got a lot to learn, sugar bear,” I whispered, feeling a little shaken at the realization that Payne and I were now responsible for Aubrey. We were her legal guardians, which meant adjustments to our lives in ways I couldn’t begin to fathom. It would have been easy to panic, but somehow I refrained from doing so, and I reminded myself that Ava and Matt had chosen me and Payne to care for Aubrey because they knew they could trust us. I won’t let you guys down, sis, I promised silently . I swear. No one could be better parents to Aubrey than you and Matt, but Pay and I will love her and protect her and give her the best life possible, and I will make damn sure she knows all about you and Matt. I will keep the two of you alive for your daughter .
It was the least I could do. I would share my memories of Ava and Matt, and I would make sure Aubrey knew that she had been the center of their world. Yes, it would be an adjustment, learning how to take care of a baby, but I didn’t for a second doubt that Payne and I could and would handle it. Somehow. That was what family did, after all, a fact I held onto as the door behind me opened and closed. Without turning around, I knew it was Payne, and I sighed when his strong arms wrapped firmly around my waist, and I leaned back, into his embrace.
We stood for a moment, watching Aubrey sleep, and Payne rested his head on my shoulder. “She is so beautiful.” His breath was wonderfully warm, fanning over my neck, and I smiled—a real, genuine smile—for the first time in hours.
“She’s stunning,” I agreed. “She looks like a little doll. And… she looks just like Ava did as a baby.”
“Well, from what I’ve seen in the photos Ava sent, Aubrey has the Truman eyes.”
“Pay….” I turned in his arms. “Aubrey isn’t going to have any actual memories of Ava and Matt, and that breaks my heart. All of this is just so unfair. Mom said the driver who hit them had been drinking, and despite knowing that, my father has been down at Griffin’s Pub all night.”
It made me physically sick, thinking about him holed up in some dark corner, downing one shot after another, and I didn’t resist when Payne pulled me closer, holding me tight against his body, as if he could somehow shelter me from the particular brand of pain my father was an expert at causing. I melted into him, closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around his waist, anchoring us together, finding comfort, warmth. Payne’s nearness was exactly what I needed to rejuvenate me and strengthen me for the painful moments and the difficult decisions that awaited all of us as we figured out how to say goodbye to Matt and Ava and still somehow keep focused on the future Aubrey was counting on us to build for her.
None of it would be easy, and more tears would certainly fall, but standing there, wrapped in Pay’s arms, I knew as long as I had him to lean on, I would make it through to the other side.
Payne
Shortly after noon, a somewhat-rested Emma and a still-exhausted-but-damn-determined Jamie insisted on going to the funeral home to begin the process of final arrangements for Matt and Ava, and I offered to go with them. Jamie seemed to be holding it together rather well, all things considered, but I knew how much he was hurting. He wanted to be strong for his mother, but I was concerned for him. I was well aware that
She was so beautiful, completely peaceful, though I suspected she wouldn’t be that way for long—another half hour, maybe, and she would be ready for a diaper change and a bottle and… well, whatever else three-month-olds needed first thing in the morning.
“I guess I’ve got a lot to learn, sugar bear,” I whispered, feeling a little shaken at the realization that Payne and I were now responsible for Aubrey. We were her legal guardians, which meant adjustments to our lives in ways I couldn’t begin to fathom. It would have been easy to panic, but somehow I refrained from doing so, and I reminded myself that Ava and Matt had chosen me and Payne to care for Aubrey because they knew they could trust us. I won’t let you guys down, sis, I promised silently . I swear. No one could be better parents to Aubrey than you and Matt, but Pay and I will love her and protect her and give her the best life possible, and I will make damn sure she knows all about you and Matt. I will keep the two of you alive for your daughter .
It was the least I could do. I would share my memories of Ava and Matt, and I would make sure Aubrey knew that she had been the center of their world. Yes, it would be an adjustment, learning how to take care of a baby, but I didn’t for a second doubt that Payne and I could and would handle it. Somehow. That was what family did, after all, a fact I held onto as the door behind me opened and closed. Without turning around, I knew it was Payne, and I sighed when his strong arms wrapped firmly around my waist, and I leaned back, into his embrace.
We stood for a moment, watching Aubrey sleep, and Payne rested his head on my shoulder. “She is so beautiful.” His breath was wonderfully warm, fanning over my neck, and I smiled—a real, genuine smile—for the first time in hours.
“She’s stunning,” I agreed. “She looks like a little doll. And… she looks just like Ava did as a baby.”
“Well, from what I’ve seen in the photos Ava sent, Aubrey has the Truman eyes.”
“Pay….” I turned in his arms. “Aubrey isn’t going to have any actual memories of Ava and Matt, and that breaks my heart. All of this is just so unfair. Mom said the driver who hit them had been drinking, and despite knowing that, my father has been down at Griffin’s Pub all night.”
It made me physically sick, thinking about him holed up in some dark corner, downing one shot after another, and I didn’t resist when Payne pulled me closer, holding me tight against his body, as if he could somehow shelter me from the particular brand of pain my father was an expert at causing. I melted into him, closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around his waist, anchoring us together, finding comfort, warmth. Payne’s nearness was exactly what I needed to rejuvenate me and strengthen me for the painful moments and the difficult decisions that awaited all of us as we figured out how to say goodbye to Matt and Ava and still somehow keep focused on the future Aubrey was counting on us to build for her.
None of it would be easy, and more tears would certainly fall, but standing there, wrapped in Pay’s arms, I knew as long as I had him to lean on, I would make it through to the other side.
Payne
Shortly after noon, a somewhat-rested Emma and a still-exhausted-but-damn-determined Jamie insisted on going to the funeral home to begin the process of final arrangements for Matt and Ava, and I offered to go with them. Jamie seemed to be holding it together rather well, all things considered, but I knew how much he was hurting. He wanted to be strong for his mother, but I was concerned for him. I was well aware that
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