I Have the Right to Destroy Myself Read Online Free

tries to light a cigarette, but his lighter doesn't work. The fluid must be out. He tries a few more times, then flings the cigarette and lighter away. He inserts the phone card into the slot again and presses each button deliberately. The few seconds of waiting make him anxious. He tries another number. His brother doesn't answer the
phone either. K exits the phone booth, asks a taxi driver for a light, and sticks a lit cigarette between his lips. Did she go to see his brother?

    K gets back in the car and races toward Sadang subway station. The radio is reporting a snowstorm in Yeongseo. K detects a tinge of excitement in the voice of the announcer, who is saying that all traffic has stopped. It starts to flurry. Will it snow as much in Seoul? If so, he has to get back before there's too much snow on the ground. K changes into the leftmost lane and speeds up.

    When Judith called, C was eating the pizza he had ordered for lunch.
    "It's been a long time," she said.
    "Has it?" he asked casually, as if he hadn't been thinking about her at all.
    "I want to go somewhere. Can you drive me?"
    "Where?"
    "Jumunjin."
    "Why?"
    "It's my hometown. And it's my birthday today."
    "Come over, then."
    "Okay. I'll be there soon."
    That's how they decided to go on this trip. The snow started when they passed Yangpyeong. By Hongcheon, it was coming down hard, so they drove on with snow chains strapped onto the tires, but after a while, when they got to where they were now, they couldn't go any farther.
    "When did you leave Jumunjin?" C asks.

    "Jumunjin?"
    "Didn't you say it was your hometown?"
    "I just said that because I wanted to go somewhere," Judith replies nonchalantly, and keeps whistling. C can't believe his ears. He takes his hand off the wheel and leans back into the seat. The purpose of the trip has disappeared.
    "So it's not your birthday, either?"
    "No."
    "I see. It's funny, the truth makes people uncomfortable, but a lie gets people excited. Isn't that right?"
    "You would have come with me even if I didn't lie."
    Perhaps she's right. Sometimes C wishes there were a reason for everything. Like when you find yourself wishing a friend you're drinking with would just suddenly keel over. It's sort of funny to imagine that he'd die from a heart attack and people would come to his funeral, drink together, follow him to his grave site, shovel dirt on his coffin, and ride back in the hearse. But no matter how you die, the world always stays the same. Like this place they're stuck in. Snow keeps falling, almost to the point of annoyance. It's like staring at the same unchanging screen for several hours. Like when the TV shows multicolored stripes before regular programs, the so-called screen adjustment period. C's tired of this darkness. He turns on the wipers and they struggle to push the snow off the windshield. He turns on the dome light. It becomes a little brighter in the car. Judith is lying back in her seat, her skirt hiked up and her blouse
open. When C looks at her, she says mechanically, like an answering machine message, "What? You want to do it?"

    "I'm tired."
    "Let me know if you want to." She closes her eyes again and he turns off the light. He's thirsty. C takes out a lollipop from the glove compartment. When he puts it in his mouth, his saliva pools and his thirst disappears. Judith likes Chupa Chups lollipops. When she isn't smoking she constantly sucks on them. She doesn't take the thing out of her mouth, even during sex. Every time, C is scared that the stick will poke his eye out. Actually, one did stab his left eye once. He worried he might go blind, and he was afraid to have sex with her for a few days.
    C woke up late the day after K brought her to his apartment. His head felt leaden and he had no appetite because he had stayed up all night for a few days straight. He was listless but at the same time alert, the consequence of extreme exhaustion. He was in an emotional void, only able to respond to some stimulation.