How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three Read Online Free Page A

you won’t be on the menu. I don’t eat meat, it’s terrible for the complexion. I suppose you’re all carnivores.” He said it with quite some disgust. “I can see it’s going to take you a little while to pack everything up, so let me take this opportunity to tell you the advantages of a raw food diet.”
     
    He proceeded to lecture us on the joys of vegetables. It had been scary enough when we’d assumed he was a zombie, but it turned out Jespert was something even worse. A vegan.

4. Zomber, Please
     
    Jespert talked the whole time we spent packing up our gear. The pleasure of a vegetarian diet. The needless horror of animal slaughter. The unethical practices of farmers and butchers. It went on and on.
     
    He continued talking as we set off, and he talked even more as we made our way from the woods into the marshes all the way to the open fields beyond.
     
    His voice was loud and unremitting. With lizardmen in the area, it might have been unwise to make so much noise but in all fairness if they heard someone expounding on the link between broccoli smoothies and regular bowel movements, I expect they’d run in the opposite direction.
     
    Once he’d eaten the clovis Flossie had given him, Jespert no longer shuffled around like one of the undead and traipsed through the tall grass. We followed behind, somewhat dazed by the onslaught of preachy scolding and barely passable logic.
     
    “If you bake aubergine with the right spices, it tastes exactly like chicken.”
     
    It was madness, I tell you.
     
    I was closest to him, with the rest forming a line behind me. Mandy was at the rear, still pissed off with me and in a dark mood. The others could tell we’d had words but didn’t ask for details.
     
    It occurred to me I could solve everyone’s problem if I could just get Mandy to hook up with Jespert and leave her with him. But perhaps that was being unnecessarily cruel. The poor guy had suffered enough.
     
    Claire walked up next to me and leaned over. “Are you sure we can trust him?” she whispered.
     
    “I’m not sure I can trust you,” I whispered back.
     
    “I’m serious. We’re just following him back to his lair. Who knows what’ll be waiting for us.”
     
    “His lair? He’s not a badger.”
     
    “I know, he’s a… you know… one of them.”
     
    “A zombie?” I whispered.
     
    “Don’t use that word,” she hissed back at me. “It’s offensive.” She looked around guiltily.
     
    “You were the one thinking it. Does Maurice know you have racist tendencies?”
 
    “Oh shut up. You know what I mean.”
     
    “I don’t know where he’s taking us, but I’m guessing there’ll be fewer lizardmen there, which is the main thing. There’s a risk we could be walking into a trap, of course, but do you have an alternative plan? No? Well, neither do I. Plus, he only eats vegetables—he probably doesn’t have the strength to put up much of a fight. If he does attack, just keep dodging until osteoporosis takes its course.”
     
    Claire wasn’t too impressed of me making light of her concerns, but let the matter drop. She changed her pace so she fell back in step with her boyfriend.
     
    They had all followed my lead without question when I accepted Jespert’s offer of a meal and directions to Dargot through some mysterious tunnels he refused to go into detail about, but now they were getting a little antsy. I couldn’t blame them, I was just as unsure. Jespert seemed harmless enough. Didn’t mean he was.
     
    “By the way, have you tried wheatgrass?” Jespert droned on. “A shot in the morning is better than half a dozen boiled eggs. It might taste disgusting, but then have you considered where an egg comes from?”
     
    “He’s very passionate about food, isn’t he?” said Jenny.  I was surprised to find her now walking beside me, talking to me as though it was the most natural thing in the world. In fact this was the first time since she’d joined that she’d