Diary of a Wimpy Vampire Read Online Free
Author: Tim Collins
in it, but it was the pictures of girls without many clothes on that caused the most excitement. I had a look, but I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about. The pictures had been airbrushed so much that you couldn’t even see the veins in their necks. I pretended to be interested nonetheless, so I didn’t get accused of being a weirdo.
F RIDAY 28 TH J ANUARY
Mrs Maguire told me off after assembly today for refusing to sing along with the hymns. I wasn’t doing it to break the rules, I was just worried that I would get a bad headache again like when I looked at the crucifix. At any rate, it’s better not to sing at all than to sing obscene alternative words like Wayne and Craig did.
In the library at lunchtime, Chloe said she admired me for sticking to my principles as an atheist, so at least some good came out of it. She gave me another boiled sweet, and her hand touched mine for a brief, forbidden moment. Like all vampires, my body temperature is very low, and Chloe seemed surprised by how cold my hand was. It’s easier to get away with this in January than it will be in summer, but by then we shall be lovers, and she’ll know of my true nature.
I need to make a move on Chloe. When I’m back in school on Monday, I’ll invite her out on a date. Or I might wait until Tuesday.
S ATURDAY 29 TH J ANUARY
Today we had our annual family trip to Whitby. It’s really boring, and I’ve been there loads of times before. It’s the place where Mum and Dad first lived when they came over from France, so they go back there to talk about dull nostalgic things every year. It’s also the place where Dracula first arrives in England in Bram Stoker’s novel, which has led Dad to speculate that the character was based on him. Personally, I think it’s just a coincidence. Dracula does lots of silly things in that book, like transforming into a bat, a dog and even some fog, so it’s clearly a work of wild fancy written by someone who’s never even met a vampire.
On the way back from Whitby, Mum and Dad tried to strike up a conversation, but I didn’t feel like talking. I heard them muttering something about how I’m just going through a phase. I was going to explain to them that when something goes on for eighty-five years it hardly counts as a phase, but I couldn’t be bothered. They wouldn’t understand.
Mum and Dad wanted to play Scrabble when we got back, but I wasn’t interested. They always cheat by making up words like ‘zaqox’ and pretending they were really popular in the nineteenth century.
S UNDAY 30 TH J ANUARY
Today I looked on the Internet for tips about asking girls out, but when Dad saw that I was on the computer, he got really annoyed.
He thinks that all computers are dangerous, even though he doesn’t understand them at all. He barely got the hang of typewriters before they went out of fashion.
Dad’s convinced that someone or other is going to trace us all through the Internet. What does he think I’m doing, tagging a photo of him drinking blood on Facebook? And who is he so worried about anyway? He’s always told me that we are the last four vampires left on earth, so it can’t be any of our own kind that he fears. And as for human enemies, anyone he’s offended in the past must surely be too old to be a threat by now.
I tried to show Dad the fun side of the Internet by showing him a clip of a panda sneezing, but I don’t think he understood it was supposed to be funny. If anything, I think it just made him hungry.
Dad’s so out of date he makes me cringe. Once, when Mum was planning a surprise party for my sister, he suggested that we get some hunchbacks with bells on to dance for her. I can’t believe he thought that would be appropriate. That’s not been considered an acceptable form of entertainment for centuries now.
M ONDAY 31 ST J ANUARY
12 PM
I’ve decided to ask my parents to buy me a car to compensate for the extra speed I should have got when I became a
F RIDAY 28 TH J ANUARY
Mrs Maguire told me off after assembly today for refusing to sing along with the hymns. I wasn’t doing it to break the rules, I was just worried that I would get a bad headache again like when I looked at the crucifix. At any rate, it’s better not to sing at all than to sing obscene alternative words like Wayne and Craig did.
In the library at lunchtime, Chloe said she admired me for sticking to my principles as an atheist, so at least some good came out of it. She gave me another boiled sweet, and her hand touched mine for a brief, forbidden moment. Like all vampires, my body temperature is very low, and Chloe seemed surprised by how cold my hand was. It’s easier to get away with this in January than it will be in summer, but by then we shall be lovers, and she’ll know of my true nature.
I need to make a move on Chloe. When I’m back in school on Monday, I’ll invite her out on a date. Or I might wait until Tuesday.
S ATURDAY 29 TH J ANUARY
Today we had our annual family trip to Whitby. It’s really boring, and I’ve been there loads of times before. It’s the place where Mum and Dad first lived when they came over from France, so they go back there to talk about dull nostalgic things every year. It’s also the place where Dracula first arrives in England in Bram Stoker’s novel, which has led Dad to speculate that the character was based on him. Personally, I think it’s just a coincidence. Dracula does lots of silly things in that book, like transforming into a bat, a dog and even some fog, so it’s clearly a work of wild fancy written by someone who’s never even met a vampire.
On the way back from Whitby, Mum and Dad tried to strike up a conversation, but I didn’t feel like talking. I heard them muttering something about how I’m just going through a phase. I was going to explain to them that when something goes on for eighty-five years it hardly counts as a phase, but I couldn’t be bothered. They wouldn’t understand.
Mum and Dad wanted to play Scrabble when we got back, but I wasn’t interested. They always cheat by making up words like ‘zaqox’ and pretending they were really popular in the nineteenth century.
S UNDAY 30 TH J ANUARY
Today I looked on the Internet for tips about asking girls out, but when Dad saw that I was on the computer, he got really annoyed.
He thinks that all computers are dangerous, even though he doesn’t understand them at all. He barely got the hang of typewriters before they went out of fashion.
Dad’s convinced that someone or other is going to trace us all through the Internet. What does he think I’m doing, tagging a photo of him drinking blood on Facebook? And who is he so worried about anyway? He’s always told me that we are the last four vampires left on earth, so it can’t be any of our own kind that he fears. And as for human enemies, anyone he’s offended in the past must surely be too old to be a threat by now.
I tried to show Dad the fun side of the Internet by showing him a clip of a panda sneezing, but I don’t think he understood it was supposed to be funny. If anything, I think it just made him hungry.
Dad’s so out of date he makes me cringe. Once, when Mum was planning a surprise party for my sister, he suggested that we get some hunchbacks with bells on to dance for her. I can’t believe he thought that would be appropriate. That’s not been considered an acceptable form of entertainment for centuries now.
M ONDAY 31 ST J ANUARY
12 PM
I’ve decided to ask my parents to buy me a car to compensate for the extra speed I should have got when I became a
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