Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Read Online Free Page A

getting at is, if you’re ever going to fight again you need to
lose weight. Honestly, you’re starting to look like a sumo wrestler.”
    Now it was Rob’s turn to get annoyed. “You want to act like
my trainer again? You did such a great job the last time,” he said, his voice
dripping with sarcasm. It hadn’t worked out so hot, and he still blamed Charlie
for his stalled career.
    “I just want you to take care of yourself. You keep living
like this and you won’t be around long.”
    Rob looked down. “I guess I could stand to lose a couple of
pounds.” He always ended up agreeing with Charlie.
    “You know I need to get in shape too. How about I start
running with you next week?”
    Rob’s face brightened. “It could be like old times again,
except this time I won’t get—”
    “Check out the buns on her,” Left-Nut said and pointed at an
attractive girl swaying on the dance floor to a crappy indie-rock song, the
same girl that Charlie had just written to. “She’s giving me a five-dollar
footlong.” Vidu agreed and the trap was set.
    Twenty minutes later the girl went to the mailbox and
discovered the letter. A sour look crossed her face and she scanned the bar for
the creeper in the day-glow shirt.
    In the meantime, Blake gathered the party together for yet
another drinking game. “Okay, guys, it’s time for credit card roulette. Put
your card into this lovely hat, and if I pull your card, you buy a round. The
only catch is the buyer picks the shot. We’ll pull two. Any questions?” There
weren’t. “Good. Pony up.” He handed a trucker hat sporting giant boobs to
Cliff.
    Charlie tossed his card in, knowing it couldn’t cover one
shot much less a round. For him, it really was roulette. Cliff gathered the
other cards and then stared upwards at Rob. “I need one from the big guy.”
    “Like anyone would give me credit. Dude, I’ve got like two
pairs of underwear to my name.”
    Cliff looked at Rob with disgust. “Someone needs to cover
for cheap-ass here and add another card.” Jim stepped up since he’d been paying
for the loveable loser’s tab all night anyway.
    Blake pulled out the first card. “Jim Evans.” He shuffled
the cards in the hat and then pulled out one more. “What are the odds? Jim
again, sucks to be you.”
    “What the hell?”
    “That’s the breaks,” Blake said. “Cindy is gonna flip out
when she checks your bank statement.”
    “She probably will.” Now resigned to dropping a bunch of
cash, Jim wanted to have some fun with it. “Since it’s loser’s choice, you’re
gonna have a cement mixer and a dead Nazi. Suck on that.”
    Mike groaned. “God, I hate these stupid games.”
    “Rules are rules,” Cliff said. “I’m surprised Jim picked
those shots since he has to drink them too.”
    Jim’s smile evaporated. “Scratch that order. Two rounds of
cherry pucker it is.”
    Cliff smiled. “What was that about prom night earlier?”
    “Whatever, asshole. Let’s do this.” Jim flagged a waitress
and they downed the fruity shots and went back to their conversations.
    Charlie put his plan into action now that Vidu was looking
thoroughly sauced. “Let’s see if we have any mail.” They didn’t, and with
Left-Nut’s lines like, “You’re ugly, but you intrigue me,” it was no surprise.
    But Vidu had apparently hit pay dirt, and his eyes lit up as
he read the note. “I need to find this number seventy. She needs a hot Vidu
injection, stat.”
    They eagerly looked for Vidu’s pen pal and Blake spotted the
beauty first. “Bullshit. No way she wants his lame ass.”
    Of course, Vidu took offense to Blake’s statement and
responded in kind. “Don’t be jealous. You’re engaged, why care if I can pull
more ass than you?” It was rare the awkward foreigner got a chance to lord over
his arrogant friend, but now he’d have to put up or shut up.
    “Seal the deal, Casanova,” Blake said with a chuckle. He
knew this wouldn’t end well and had always