Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Read Online Free

saw each other less often now, so it was good to
hear old stories of bar fights, hazing pledges, cheating on tests and catching
each other masturbating in the quad.
    But reality had proven to be quite different from their time
at the dilapidated fraternity house. Where school had been one big party, adult
life was one giant hangover. Crappy jobs, failed relationships, crushed dreams
or the drudgery of suburban life had taken a toll on all of them.
    The trip down memory lane conjured up better times, but also
reminded them of all that had changed. Panama City spring breaks became
antiquing in Door County. Late nights partying turned into late nights meeting
deadlines. A whirlwind of morally challenged women morphed into a nagging wife,
or even worse, the dim glow of internet porn in a lonely bedroom. In a
nutshell, adulthood sucked.
    Jim cleared his throat. “I wanted to let you guys know that
Cindy’s pregnant. Obviously, this is a big deal for us.”
    Charlie slapped him on the back and leaned in. “Who’s the
dad?” Everyone busted up. “No, but that’s awesome news. Congrats.”
    “She’s due around Thanksgiving, and we’re gonna wait to find
out the sex.”
    “I’m sure you don’t have enough testosterone to pump out
anything with a dick, so I’m guessing it’s a girl,” Left-Nut said dryly and
wandered to the dance floor to harass several women minding their own business.
    Jim flashed the white-haired jerk a dirty look. “Says the
guy with one testicle.”
    “Don’t mind the sour grapes,” Blake said loudly and then
summoned a round of Jager Bombs in celebration.
    Charlie wondered what was wrong with the rest of them,
himself included. Vidu could barely speak English and was on the verge of
deportation. Big Rob had gained seventy pounds and hadn’t fought in two years.
Gay Mike was un-dateable, and Smokey was down to his last brain cells. Finally,
there was the walking hard-on known as Left-Nut. Charlie watched him get shot down
by four girls in thirty seconds and keep right on trucking. Getting laid was a
numbers game, he always said.
    Vidu stumbled off to the bathroom and Charlie saw his chance
to get even. Having blown most of his money on the round of beers, he settled
on something more devious than buying a disgusting shot, and it wouldn’t cost a
dime.
    He grabbed two blank letters from the mailbox station and
addressed the first to a stacked college girl that he’d noticed earlier sucking
down dry martinis like water. The schoolteacher marked it, “Urgent: Special
Delivery,” and the words flew feverishly from his pen.
     
    I could not help but notice how gorgeous and sexually
active you are looking in the glow of the neon Budweiser sign. Would you like
some alcohol beverage? Maybe a fruited drink like on Sex and the City? I would
like very much to make love to your large American breasts. Are you wealthy?
Please write back to mailbox #102 or see me at the table next to the dartboard.
I am wearing an orange Ed Hardy shirt.
     
    Dearly yours,
    Vidu
     
    P.S. Do you have any
diseases?
    P.P.S. If you are a
lesbian or a bitch please give this letter to your short friend that is dressed
like a hooker.
     
    Charlie addressed the second letter to Vidu.
     
    Hi there, stranger.
    I saw you the moment I walked in and just had to drop you
a few lines. You’re really cute. Make sure you come see me tonight! I’m kinda
shy but would love a big hug.
    XOXO,
    #70
     
    Charlie dropped the letters into the numbered slots and
casually went back to his seat to find Left-Nut complaining about stuck-up
women while Big Rob wolfed down expired pickled eggs.
    Remembering the gross bathroom incident from earlier,
Charlie pushed the jar away and took on the lecturing tone he often used when
speaking to his giant friend. “Stop eating all this junk if you’re staying at
my place. The pipes can’t handle it.”
    “Fine, I promise I won’t use your toilet.”
    “That’s not what I mean.
What I’m really