Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Read Online Free Page B

enjoyed his friend’s legendary
meltdowns.
    Normally Vidu would be petrified to approach any woman, much
less a knockout like this, but tonight he’d been guzzling liquid courage in a
can. He combed his greasy hair with his fingers and tucked in his shirt. “This
is how it’s done, boys.”
    “Twenty bucks says he blows it,” Blake said and waved a
crisp bill. No takers.
    “Hey, sexy mama,” Vidu said as he grabbed the alluring girl
from behind and gave her a bear hug.
    The vixen turned around and recoiled in disgust when she saw
who held her ever so gently. “Get off me, you perverted fuckwad,” she said and
followed with an open palmed bitch-slap to the Sri Lankan’s shocked face. As if
that weren’t enough, Charlie’s phone was recording every glorious second,
ensuring this payback would last forever.
    Vidu clutched his jaw and asked with a whimper, “What was
that for?”
    The enraged girl ignored his question as she balled her
fists and prepared to press the attack. But right before she thrashed him
again, a tank-top-wearing bouncer stepped in and saved Vidu from further
humiliation.
    “All right, jackass, time to go.” He put one meaty hand on
Vidu’s puny shoulder and pointed to the door.
    Fearing deportation even more than another righteous ass
whipping, Vidu ran out like quicksilver. “The rest of you need to go, too. We
don’t cater to creeps here,” the meathead added, itching for an excuse to show
off for the pretty girl.
    Everyone was too busy gasping for air to notice how much of
a prick the bouncer was, and they left without further incident. Charlie put
his phone away and climbed into the waiting limo, still smiling about his dirty
deed.

Chapter 5
    Rock
the Mic
     
    The limo reeked of stale whiskey farts and fried food as it
headed for the next stop. But the driver was forced to slam the brakes when a
large number of bike riders streamed out from a side street. The biking group
known as the “Happy Saturday Brigade” often snarled traffic and pissed off
motorists.
    Blake rolled down his window. “Out of the way, losers!”
    A few riders casually flipped him off but most simply told
him to have a happy Saturday.
    “Society’s tampons,”
Cliff said while staring at the motley crowd. It was an odd group, highlighted
by buzz-cut lesbians in fishnets and a leather-clad gimp cruising by on
custom-built Big Wheels, sparklers blazing. Even stranger, Santa Claus passed
by on a monstrous ten-foot tall bike.
    “That’s not something you see every day,” Jim said as a few
more freaks pedaled past.
    “Never been to Gay Mike’s neighborhood?” Left-Nut said and
Mike answered with a healthy punch to the arm.
    Blake opened an imported beer and walked towards the front
of the limo. “Jugdish, step on it.”
    “What do you want me to do?” the driver said with an accent
even thicker than Vidu’s.
    “Inch forward. They’ll move.”
    The driver relented and slowly took his foot off the brakes.
He got a third of the way through the mess before an onslaught of angry
cyclists made him stop.
    Smokey started up a chant and everyone joined in. “Go! Go!
Go!”
    The limo surged forward and narrowly avoided several riders,
but the back end had almost cleared the crosswalk and soon enough they’d be on
to the next bar.
    That’s when an ice-cold Big Gulp soared through an open
window and blasted Vidu square in the face, drenching him completely. He did
not take it well.
    “I kill you, motherfucker! I kill you!” Vidu clawed at the
child-locked door. “How I open this fucking shit?” Outsmarted by the door, the
Sri Lankan tried to dive out the window in order to throttle the anonymous
drink launcher. Luckily, the driver saw an opening, slammed on the gas, and
saved Vidu from his second beat down of the evening.
    After ridiculing their hapless friend for a bit, the party
moved on to guessing their next destination. Wild rumors began to circulate.
Cliff hoped for “General Zhou’s tug-jobs” at