Catalyst Read Online Free

He’s perfect. For you, that is.” Shannon squeals in excitement and tosses the phone my way.
    “Nope. Not looking. Not interested.” I shake my head and have to will myself not to look at the photo on her screen. She waits, staring at me until I break.
    “Ugh, fine!”
    Damn curiosity.
    I pick up the phone and try to act as if he’s repulsive, but her suggestion isn’t too bad. He has a gorgeous smile and oh, a man bun. I scratch my head.
    “Man bun? I’m not sure if that’s cute or not? Is that ‘in’ these days? See. I’m not ready for this. I’ve been out of the dating game for years, and now, you expect me, after just five and a half months, to climb back into the ring?” I groan, thinking about how sad my life has become.
    “They’re so sexy. I bet he’s a beast in bed. All Tarzan-like. Think about it. What would Liam want you to do? Mope around your pathetic apartment until you grow cobwebs up your hoo-ha or get back out there and find happiness?” She points to my private region when she says cobwebs, and I can’t help but cover said parts in defense.
    “So gross. And leave my hoo-ha out of this conversation. I’ll find happiness, eventually. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, and to be honest, I’m scared if I do anything too drastic, I’ll regress. I can’t go back to those dark times. I won’t let myself.” Even as I say it, my mind replays the past few months. Months spent alone, crying in my room to the point my stomach muscles hurt. Months wondering who would hurt Liam and why he was taken from me. Months feeling vindictive and hating everyone who was happy around me.
    These past few months have pushed me to the edge of breaking. Detective Sanchez called me a few times with leads, but in the end, nothing had been done and no one had been caught. Getting my hopes up time and time again just shattered me each time I was updated with their lack of progress. The last time the station called me, I let them know to only keep me informed regarding breaks in the case. Ever since then, it’s been radio silence.
    Shannon scoots closer to me and snuggles me into her side. “I know, Tins. I know. You’ve had so much crap dealt to you. I just want to see you happy again. That’s all.” She rubs my shoulder, and I can tell she means well.
    The question of “when will I be ready?” rolls through my brain, and I know that no matter when I decide to move on, people are going to judge me. Liam will always be a part of my life, and I know I shouldn’t care about what others think, but I seriously don’t want to be the girl who starts dating right after her boyfriend is murdered.
    “Shan?” I try to hold my voice steady as I begin to freak out.
    “Yeah, babe?”
    “How do I even bring up Liam when I decide to go on a date? Do I tell them from the beginning? Or do I wait until they question me about my past relationships? Or what if they ask why my last relationship ended?” I’m bawling in her arms, trying to catch my breath.
    “Oh, Tinsley.”
    “See? Defective.” I sniffle as my breathing calms slightly.
    There are so many things I never thought I’d have to do again once I found Liam. When we were together, I never worried about other men or, quite frankly, what anyone else thought. I had the man of my dreams. Learning to be single, trying to date again, and putting myself out there on the online dating sites was not how I thought I’d be living life. I have baggage now and I’m damaged goods. The instant I think about my baggage, I hit myself in the head with my palm at even thinking about Liam like that. He was so much more. I’m tainted now and the world might as well know it.
    “You’re not defective. You will have to tell them but not until you’re ready. Only you can know when that will be, and if any of those guys see you as anything but a beautiful, kindhearted woman, I give you permission to ditch them when you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. The