Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship Read Online Free
Author: Joshua Harris
Tags: Spirituality, Spiritual Growth, Christian Life - General
Nevertheless, their story raises an important question: Is there such a thing as a "right" way to do relationships? And if there is, who defines it? Who names it? Should we call it dating or courtship? Is one term godlier than the other?
These days when a couple like Andy and Lori look around for examples of what Christian relationships should be, they're likely to get a very mixed message. On one hand, they'll meet Christian couples dating just like non-Christians. These relationships are selfish and marked by jealousy, often pushing (if not totally ignoring) the boundaries of purity. Instead of the
31
relationship centering on God, it exists for the short-term gratification of two people.
On the other hand, Andy and Lori will encounter couples who embrace a specific list of do's and don'ts that they call "courtship." Though some of their ideas can be helpful, even biblical, their rule-based approach often leads them to trust more in man-made regulations than in God Himself. Love for God isn't the center of their relationships; pride in their methods and performance is.
What I'm describing are the two extremes of lawlessness and legalism. Lawlessness throws off God's commands and lives for self. Legalism, on the other hand, self-righteously trusts in human rules. But these extremes are like two ditches on each side of a road. Sadly, many of us spend our lives swerving back and forth between the two-pulling ourselves out of one ditch, only to drive right into the other!
God's road to marriage stays on the high ground between the two extremes. It doesn't abandon the Bible's principles and commands, but neither does it resort to formulas.
Scuffling over Terms
What I hope you see is that avoiding lawlessness and legalism is far more important than whether we use the word dating or the word courtship.
I happen to like the term courtship. It's old-fashioned, but it evokes romance and chivalry. I use it to describe not a set of rules, but that special season in a romance where a man and woman are seriously weighing the possibility of marriage. I think it's helpful to distinguish between undefined and directionless romances (what I said goodbye to) and a romantic relationship that is purposefully headed towards marriage. But the
32
fact that I use the word courtship to describe my relationship with Shannon doesn't make me holier than people who don't.
None of us should allow a debate over words to distract us from what really matters in relationships. "Dating versus courtship" isn't the point. I've known "serial couriers" who lived like the devil and "saintly daters" guided by integrity and holiness. In and of themselves, the terms they used to describe their relationships were meaningless. The way they lived is what really mattered. Terms don't define our lives; our lives define our terms.
Today many Christians are disillusioned with the way romantic relationships are handled. We desperately want something better. But what we long for won't come by putting a new name on old attitudes. We have to change! We need new attitudes based on scriptural values and a radically God-centered view of pursuing an intimate relationship with the opposite sex.
People often ask me, "How do I do courtship? What are the rules?" I don't have an answer for them, because they're asking the wrong questions. The right questions are: "What's my motive for being in a relationship? How can I live for God as I pursue marriage? How can I stop living selfishly? How can I serve others?"
Do you see what's happening when a person jumps over these important heart issues and starts trying to "figure out courtship"? They're skipping the much more important process of examining what they're living for and how they're living.
Jesus on What Really Matters
I believe that getting our romantic relationships right as Christians means seeing God's glory as the ultimate purpose of
33
any relationship. This is what Jesus taught us. Though our Lord never
These days when a couple like Andy and Lori look around for examples of what Christian relationships should be, they're likely to get a very mixed message. On one hand, they'll meet Christian couples dating just like non-Christians. These relationships are selfish and marked by jealousy, often pushing (if not totally ignoring) the boundaries of purity. Instead of the
31
relationship centering on God, it exists for the short-term gratification of two people.
On the other hand, Andy and Lori will encounter couples who embrace a specific list of do's and don'ts that they call "courtship." Though some of their ideas can be helpful, even biblical, their rule-based approach often leads them to trust more in man-made regulations than in God Himself. Love for God isn't the center of their relationships; pride in their methods and performance is.
What I'm describing are the two extremes of lawlessness and legalism. Lawlessness throws off God's commands and lives for self. Legalism, on the other hand, self-righteously trusts in human rules. But these extremes are like two ditches on each side of a road. Sadly, many of us spend our lives swerving back and forth between the two-pulling ourselves out of one ditch, only to drive right into the other!
God's road to marriage stays on the high ground between the two extremes. It doesn't abandon the Bible's principles and commands, but neither does it resort to formulas.
Scuffling over Terms
What I hope you see is that avoiding lawlessness and legalism is far more important than whether we use the word dating or the word courtship.
I happen to like the term courtship. It's old-fashioned, but it evokes romance and chivalry. I use it to describe not a set of rules, but that special season in a romance where a man and woman are seriously weighing the possibility of marriage. I think it's helpful to distinguish between undefined and directionless romances (what I said goodbye to) and a romantic relationship that is purposefully headed towards marriage. But the
32
fact that I use the word courtship to describe my relationship with Shannon doesn't make me holier than people who don't.
None of us should allow a debate over words to distract us from what really matters in relationships. "Dating versus courtship" isn't the point. I've known "serial couriers" who lived like the devil and "saintly daters" guided by integrity and holiness. In and of themselves, the terms they used to describe their relationships were meaningless. The way they lived is what really mattered. Terms don't define our lives; our lives define our terms.
Today many Christians are disillusioned with the way romantic relationships are handled. We desperately want something better. But what we long for won't come by putting a new name on old attitudes. We have to change! We need new attitudes based on scriptural values and a radically God-centered view of pursuing an intimate relationship with the opposite sex.
People often ask me, "How do I do courtship? What are the rules?" I don't have an answer for them, because they're asking the wrong questions. The right questions are: "What's my motive for being in a relationship? How can I live for God as I pursue marriage? How can I stop living selfishly? How can I serve others?"
Do you see what's happening when a person jumps over these important heart issues and starts trying to "figure out courtship"? They're skipping the much more important process of examining what they're living for and how they're living.
Jesus on What Really Matters
I believe that getting our romantic relationships right as Christians means seeing God's glory as the ultimate purpose of
33
any relationship. This is what Jesus taught us. Though our Lord never
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