Alice Read Online Free Page A

her pockets – a lip balm and a couple of sweets – onto the CATERPILLAR ’s desk.
    The WONDERLANDER scans her again. The scanner beeps again near her pocket.
    ALICE: He’s making that noise with his mouth.
    CATERPILLAR: What else have you got in there?
    ALICE: It’s nothing, it –
    CATERPILLAR: Take it out!
    ALICE pulls a plectrum out of her pocket.
    ALICE: Look – It’s just – it’s just a plectrum.
    CATERPILLAR: Give it to me.
    ALICE: I can’t, it’s very important.
    CATERPILLAR: Put it on the desk.
    The WONDERLANDERS ’ singing peters out as they get distracted by listening...
    ALICE: You mustn’t eat it.
    ALICE puts the plectrum on the CATERPILLAR ’s desk.
    It’s my brother’s. Was my brother’s.
    He picks up the plectrum.
    CATERPILLAR: A what?
    ALICE: Plectrum. It’s for playing guitar.
    CATERPILLAR: Plec. Trum.
    Looks to me very much like a fluting device. Looks very much like the sort of tool you’d use to crimp the edges of some kind of confection, something made out of pastry,
perhaps a tart .
    ALICE: It’s for music. Please –
    The CATERPILLAR clicks his fingers, and the WONDERLANDERS very carefully put the plectrum into an envelope, like they did
with the hair sample.
    Please, it’s the only thing I’ve –
    CATERPILLAR: You can have it back when you leave.
    The CATERPILLAR picks up a rubber stamp.
    How long did you say you intend to stay?
    ALICE: I didn’t. I don’t know.
    CATERPILLAR: Let’s just take it one day at a time, then shall we? I’m issuing you with a one-day visa. If you need to stay longer you’ll
have to come back tomorrow.
    WONDERLANDER: Beep beep beep! Illegal immigrant in sector 27!
    CATERPILLAR: Onward!
    The WONDERLANDERS start to wheel the CATERPILLAR away.
    ALICE: Hang on –
    CATERPILLAR: Quickly now!
    ALICE: But what do I – what do I do now?
    CATERPILLAR: We are the Wonderland State Border Control, not a haberdashery.
    ALICE: But where’s the border? If you’re the border control.
    CATERPILLAR: You’ve crossed it.
    The WONDERLANDERS wheel the caterpillar off, humming the Welcome To Wonderland tune.
    ALICE turns around, looking behind her, but there’s no obvious border there.
    ALICE: This place is mental.
    ALICE is surrounded by other WONDERLANDERS carrying enormous flowers above their heads. Almost as soon as they’re
there, they’re gone.
    Then a procession of WONDERLANDERS carrying open umbrellas, followed by a man taking a cabbage for a walk. He stops, as if the cabbage is a dog
having a poo. Then leans down with a plastic bag over his hand, and picks up a sprout, which he bags and bins.
    A POSTMAN arrives, pulling a post box on wheels.
    POSTMAN: Aha, yes, you – you’re off to see the Duchess.
    ALICE: Am I?
    POSTMAN: In about 90 seconds time.
    ALICE: (To herself.) OK, right, yeah. Computer game.
    POSTMAN: In which case you can take something in for me, hang on a jiffy bag...
    The POSTMAN opens the door of the letter box and starts to search through it, pulling out lots of things that aren’t letters – a cuddly
toy, saucepan, bunch of flowers, a basketball, a fireguard, some bellows, a string of bunting...
    ALICE watches him.
    ALICE: Has she got a dog or something?
    POSTMAN: No no. Sure it’s here somewhere...
    ALICE: Why don’t you want to go in there?
    POSTMAN: I’d be perfectly happy to go in there.
    ALICE: OK, just thought you were –
    POSTMAN: I’M NOT SCARED OF HER.
    ALICE: OK.
    POSTMAN: Bells and whistles, where’s this letter? Ooh, here we are.
    The POSTMAN pulls a letter out of the postbox.
    He hands the letter to ALICE .
    Thought I’d lost another one, there. Lose my head if I’m not careful.
    Got one for you, too.
    He hands ALICE another letter.
    ALICE turns the letter over in her hand. The POSTMAN starts to leave.
    Cheerio then.
    He stops.
    Oh, and if the Duchess offers you a bowl of soup, best say you’ve already had your tea.
    ALICE: But I don’t know where her house is.
    POSTMAN: You’re there already.
    ALICE