Alice Read Online Free Page B

looks around and finds herself in a hot, steamy kitchen. She puts both letters in her pocket.
    The room is filled with steam and the smell of drains. On a table are piles of festering vegetables and rotting fish, and a couple of tea towels so dirty they’re stuck
to the surface and growing whole new species of bacteria in their folds.
    A large saucepan bubbles on a stove, giving off filthy looking fumes.
    ALICE: Oh my god. Yuck.
    What is that? Euw, yuck yuck yuck.
    ALICE sneezes.
    ‘Choo!
    OK, if it’s computer game – where do I click?
    ‘Choo!
    What am I supposed to pick up?
    I don’t want to pick anything up it all looks disgusting.
    ALICE sees the COOK bustling about (he’d been indistinguishable from a big pile of dirty rags at the start.).
    Oh. Sorry. ‘Choo!
    Sorry, I was just talking to – Um.
    ‘Choo! Sorry it’s a bit, um, something’s making me –
    The COOK doesn’t look at ALICE , but continues bustling, wielding a scary-looking meat cleaver as he hacks up a teddy
bear and puts the pieces in a roasting tin.
    ALICE looks around. All of a sudden, the WHITE RABBIT dashes in, in a mad rush, as if pursued.
    Hey – hello – hi – ‘Choo!
    The WHITE RABBIT jumps into the pot of soup on the stove.
    Hey, wait, hang on –
    ALICE runs over to the soup pot and climbs up onto the work surface to look inside it, but the rabbit isn’t in there.
    ALICE lifts the ladle to find it contains only soup.
    How did you – How did he do that?
    ALICE stirs the pot, but to no avail. She turns to the COOK .
    Sorry, did you just see the White Rabbit jump in here?
    COOK doesn’t seem to hear her. He coats the teddy bear pieces in olive oil, tosses and places the whole thing in the oven (or in the soup
pot).
    The cook grabs an enormous pepper grinder and grinds it into the soup.
    Oh my gosh – ‘Choo! – is that supposed to have so much –
    ‘Choo! – Is it that what’s making me sneeze?
    Sorry, can’t you talk?
    The COOK opens his mouth to speak, but before he can get a word out, the DUCHESS sweeps in.
    DUCHESS: Cookie! A visitor! How lovely!
    She’s dressed in her idea of a perfect 1950s housewife, except her clothes are filthy and stained and her hair is wild. She’s holding a baby, tightly bundled in
a blanket, who cries incessantly.
    Baby, we’ve got a visitor!
    The baby responds with a loud fart, a small sneeze and more wailing.
    Ahh, he likes you already, see.
    How nice of you to come and see us. Cookie, you should have told me we had a guest.
    ALICE: Yeah, I’m actually –
    DUCHESS: Don’t mind baby, he’s just expressing himself, aren’t you baby?
    Aren’t you a beautiful baby baby baby PIG baby baby.
    The baby farts again. The DUCHESS grimaces, then covers it.
    ALICE: I wanted to speak to the White Rabbit only he went in that saucepan, so –
    DUCHESS: In the soup? Cookie, did you put a rabbit in the soup? You know, food is my passion – I hope it was organic, Cookie, and fair trade
and locally produced and seasonal –
    ALICE: Thing is, it’s not a rabbit-sized rabbit, more a man-sized rabbit. I mean, it’s not an eating rabbit, it’s a –
    DUCHESS: Baby’s a very adventurous eater, aren’t you, baby, he’ll eat anything, broccoli, pine cones, compost...
    ALICE: ‘Cause I really need to talk to him you see – ‘Choo!
    DUCHESS: I mean the number of things I’ve pureed for baby and he’ll just snaffle it up like a little –
    ALICE: ‘Choo!
    DUCHESS: People say how d’you find the time, all that pureeing I say I don’t know it just comes naturally like on some level I feel I’ve
always been a mother, I’m just a very nurturing person –
    Have a muffin – I made them.
    The DUCHESS thrusts a plate of muffins at ALICE . They’re covered in cobwebs and appear to have fish heads sticking out
of the top.
    ALICE: Are those fish?
    DUCHESS: I’m into slow food, aren’t you? Go on, have a lovely warm muffin.
    ALICE: No thanks, I really need to –
    DUCHESS: You don’t need to