Alice Read Online Free

other parts of the phone.
    The CATERPILLAR looks up from his paperwork.
    CATERPILLAR: Step forward please.
    ALICE: They’ve just eaten my phone.
    CATERPILLAR: Just a few questions.
    ALICE: They’ve eaten my phone.
    CATERPILLAR: What’s the purpose of your visit – business or pleasure?
    ALICE: Um. Neither.
    CATERPILLAR: I don’t have to let you in, you know. If your answers are not satisfactory to me you’ll stay right here until they are.
    ALICE: Right. OK, sorry.
    CATERPILLAR: Purpose of your visit?
    ALICE: I really don’t know. I mean I’m not trying to like, move here.
    CATERPILLAR: How long do you plan to stay?
    ALICE: Um. I don’t know. The rabbit didn’t say, so –
    He said I have to go to the Heart, do you know where that is?
    CATERPILLAR: We are the Wonderland State Border Control, not a tourist information office.
    Take this form.
    The CATERPILLAR hands a piece of paper to ALICE .
    ALICE: Thank you. I haven’t got a pen.
    CATERPILLAR: You’re supposed to fold it up nicely and give it back to me.
    ALICE: Um. OK.
    ALICE starts to fold up the paper.
    CATERPILLAR: As interestingly as possible.
    ALICE: OK, um. Like a paper aeroplane or –
    CATERPILLAR: A swan, maybe?
    ALICE: I can do an aeroplane.
    CATERPILLAR: Fine.
    ALICE makes a paper aeroplane during the next.
    Are you now or have you ever been involved in terrorist activity?
    ALICE: No.
    CATERPILLAR: International espionage? Arms trading?
    ALICE: Not as far as I know. No.
    CATERPILLAR: Have you any pastry with you?
    ALICE: Pastry?
    CATERPILLAR: No filo, no puff, no pâté sucree?
    ALICE: No.
    CATERPILLAR: No jams, marmalades, chutneys or other conserves or condiments about your person?
    ALICE: What? No.
    CATERPILLAR: You sure?
    ALICE: Yes.
    CATERPILLAR: Any baggage with you?
    ALICE: No.
    CATERPILLAR: Any emotional baggage?
    ALICE: What?
    CATERPILLAR: The State of Wonderland is an Emotional State. Do you have any emotional baggage?
    ALICE: Um. No.
    CATERPILLAR: That means yes. Could anyone have tampered with your emotional baggage without your knowledge?
    ALICE: If they had, I wouldn’t know, would I?
    CATERPILLAR: PROCESS HER!
    ALICE: What?
    Some of the WONDERLANDERS surround ALICE . Others whip out instruments and start to play a song (this is the WONDERBAND ). The WONDERLANDERS sing as they work.
    CATERPILLAR: Arms out.
    ALICE puts her arms out to the sides. One of the WONDERLANDERS pats her down.
    WONDERLANDERS: (Singing)
    When you’re talking to the caterpillar
    Don’t be rude, remove your haterpillar
    Don’t you know he’s where it’s aterpillar
    Better comply
    CATERPILLAR: Open wide!
    ALICE opens her mouth and one of the WONDERLANDERS takes a scrape from inside her cheek.
    WONDERLANDERS: (Singing)
    If he asks you what’s the matterpillar
    Can’t rely on idle patterpillar
    Or flirtatious gracious chatterpillar
    Better not lie
    During this verse one of the WONDERLANDERS pulls a hair out of ALICE ’s head.
    ALICE: Ouch!
    The hair is transferred to an envelope with tweezers, in the manner of a forensic expert on CSI.
    The WONDERLANDERS break into the chorus of the song, a disconcertingly carnival tune:
    WONDERLANDERS: (Singing)
    Welcome to Wonderland!
    Enjoy the Wonderband!
    There’s nothing underhand about us!
    Welcome to Wonderland!
    If you’ve got contraband
    This is the time for you to give it up
    CATERPILLAR: Body scan!
    One of the WONDERLANDERS uses an old bedpan on a long stick to scan ALICE ’s body (like a long-handled metal detector).
He makes a beeping noise with his mouth when the scanner is close to Alice’s pockets.
    WONDERLANDERS: (Singing softly as dialogue between ALICE and CATERPILLAR continues)
    When you’re talking to the caterpillar
    Don’t be rude, remove your haterpillar
    Don’t you know he’s where it’s aterpillar
    Better comply
    If he asks you what’s the matterpillar
    Can’t rely on idle patterpillar
    Or flirtatious gracious chatterpillar
    Better not lie
    CATERPILLAR: Empty your pockets.
    ALICE empties