I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Read Online Free

date ended in sex in a club bathroom and now she’s engaged. We’re here to talk about you, the rule (a term that was pretty useful in He’s Just Not That Into You but then negated when they threw out all their valuable dating advice and dubbed Ginnifer “the exception.” Ugh.), who should not be doing any of the aforementioned things with a guy you’re just getting to know because this aforementioned girl is a straight-up mess. And the rule is that messes are not ready to date.
    “I made out with a homeless guy by accident . . . he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’ ”
    —Amy Schumer
    Good news, though: Messes only make up about 30 percent 1 of the ill-dating-prepared population. The rest are seemingly normal people who just don’t like themselves. Weknow what you’re thinking: EW! Lame mom advice . If I wanted to be told to get my shit together I’d return my dad’s calls about wanting to go over his credit card statement together . But don’t stop reading, Betch. The reason why therapists and feminists and RuPaul repeatedly ask, “How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself?” is because it’s absolutely true. Sure it sounds like something a girl who likes PB&J–white-bread sandwiches with the crusts cut off would say, but it’s a fact.
    “So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?”
    —Regina George
    If you don’t have your shit together enough to genuinely believe that you are fucking amazing and that any guy is lucky to have you, then going on dates is a complete waste of your time. I mean, one of the cornerstones of being a betch is not just knowing you’re the hottest thing in the room, but believing you are even if you’re not. Fake it till you make it, as they say. But you can only fake it for so long. There comes a point when you are living a lie and are still consistently dateless and unhappy. So what do you do? Simple. Actually get your shit together, obvs.
GETTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER: IT’S LIKE SEPHORA FOR THE SOUL
    There are so many reasons why girls hate themselves. Too fat. Too skinny. Your nail beds suck. The list goes on. But no matterhow much money you spend at NARS, there’s no amount of makeup that will cover up your insecurities. Unless you tackle these fuckers from inside out you’ll never be as happy as you want to be and actually could be.
    “Carol! Get your shit together, Carol!”
    —Annie from Bridesmaids
    Are we saying that you must get rid of ALL of your insecurities in order to find love? No, but at least identify the main one. Think of it as the Ed Sheeran to your Taylor Swift. It follows you around even though it’s like, really unattractive but for some reason you can’t stop listening to everything it says. Be brave, and kick that ginger out of your head for good.
The Physical
    Let’s start with the most obvious and most common reason you may hate yourself: Weight. Here’s an example: Melissa McCarthy. That betch is so funny, but she’s also so overweight. We know it, she knows it, and her husband knows it. Melissa McCarthy has said that she has lost weight before but she just wasn’t as happy as she was with those pounds on. Whether that’s a bullshit excuse to continue eating mac and cheese for breakfast or not, soak its wisdom in. She’s a successful woman because she is actually happy with who looks back at her from the mirror. Of course we don’t actually know her current state of happiness, but she couldn’t havegotten to where she is now without extreme confidence and a solid sense of humor about explosive diarrhea.
    Now let’s take you as the example. Unlike Melissa, when you look in the mirror you think that if your double chin gets any bigger it will need its own Gmail account. You’re constantly upset that you can’t dress as chic as you would like. Sure you dress like Paris now, but you could dress like Nicole.