Devine Intervention Read Online Free

of words that coated her stomach with ice. Disrupted felt like too mild a word to describe what Jerome had done to her life. But even that wasn’t the worst part.
    Rather, it was that, deep down, no matter how he shamed and complicated her, she didn’t really want him to leave. She loved the quiet parts of her day. But there was something about his voice, his way of seeing things, and just the weight of him in her head that she also loved. When the silence ended and his chatter returned, she invariably felt a flood of relief. He was back. She wasn’t alone. Even if everyone else in her life left her, she had someone. And she wanted to stay that way — even if it meant she was beyond saving.

At SRPNT, we take an innovative, three-step approach to rehabilitating wayward souls: memorization, group discussion, and practical application.
    First, memorize the Ten Commandments for the Dead (page 29). Feel free to use whichever technique is most effective for you. One of our wards wrote a catchy ten commandments rap. He graduated to Heaven in just six months!
    Next, bring a positive attitude and a willingness to learn to your group counseling sessions. Candidates for soul rehabilitation have mandatory small-group discussions facilitated by our expert counselors. These begin promptly at nine o’clock each morning.
    We’ve assigned you an infant soul to nurture and protect. Treat this soul as you would your own. We call this the Golden Rule™, and in shepherding another soul safely through the mortal plane, you will demonstrate your readiness for graduation.
    Our seraphim-to-wayward-soul ratio is the best in the business because it is the only such program in existence. So take advantage! Pour your heart into the process. Your immortal 4 soul will thank you later!
    Though this should go without saying, we know the likes of you well enough that we shall commit it to print: A failure to protect your soul shall result in expulsion to the appropriate level of Hell (see page 87 of your manual for a description of Hell’s nine levels).
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    4 Souls are mostly immortal. Under certain conditions, they can dissipate into the cosmos, which is why you should read this handbook with care and attention.

W HEN I FIRST got to Heaven, or at least the part they let me visit, I was sitting on a hard chair in a room that reminded me of a principal’s office. I kept shifting in my seat, but this was normal for me on account of how I was born with a tail. Just a little one. Lots of people have them and no matter what Mike said, it didn’t mean I was the son of the Devil. I was the son of Doug, and chairs were uncomfortable. That was it. Even so, I used to check my forehead in the mirror every so often to see if I was sprouting horns.
    Two guys with glowing heads and choir robes were in the room with me. Grown-ups. Smiling, but that lippy way old people do before they drop the trouble bomb in your lap. The one behind the desk had a mustache the size of a harmonica. The other one, a bald guy, stood next to him.
    I felt fuzzy-headed, like I was dreaming, so it didn’t strike me as impossible or anything that one minute Mike was aiming an arrow at the orange on my head, saying, “I wish we could make a movie of this,” and the next I was getting busted at a school I didn’t go to by two guys I’d never met, in an office decorated with framed posters that said things like BELIEVE and DETERMINATION and MAKE IT HAPPEN , with pictures of flying whales, three-legged kittens, and people lifting monster trucks off of toddlers. Worse, the background music was classic rock songs covered by a church choir, which ought to be illegal.
    Out the window was an extra-green grassy field where a lot of old people were doing something that looked completely wrong. A couple of them had linked elbows and were moving around in a really fast circle. Two more were holding on to the edges of their robe things and snapping