Unlocked Read Online Free

sirens,
the chatter of police radios
and EMTs and firemen yelling.
In my sleep, in my mind, it was there.
    My dad insisted,
I KNEW

that kid was off. I just knew it
.
It’s what everyone said now,
as if everyone always paid attention
to Blake and had stories to compare.
    He had boxes of ammo hidden
in his locker, the news anchors claimed.
And there were vague reports of
hunting knives and smoke bombs.
He was in our home
, Mom repeated
as she paced our house.
Our home
!
    The school’s metal detectors were replaced
with bigger, better versions.
The hall monitors were too.
    We had a policeman on campus now,
just like the high schools in Tallahassee,
Atlanta, Miami, everywhere else.
    Mr. Green came back with his arm in a cast
and gave mandatory classes on integrity,
community safety, and school violence.
He told me he was proud of me.
He told me I had done something good.
    The hallway tile was still bile brown.
The rows of lockers: mouse-fur gray.
The gym still stank of kid sweat and crotch.
The bullet-riddled water fountain was replaced.
But the school wasn’t the same.
    How could it be?

HERO
----
    I was given a certificate
by Principal Carson.
My father framed it
and hung it in the hallway
next to his community college diploma.
My Warcraft account got renewed,
my iPod replaced,
TV privileges returned.
    March wasn’t yet through,
but my life was back
on the rails again,
my mother said,
hugging me hard
as she smiled again
for the first time in forever.
    Becky Ann refused
to speak to me,
called me a freak
to her pals Linda
and the other Becky,
loud enough
for me to hear.
But someone told her
to shut the heck up.
Amazingly, she did.
    Kids sat with me
at lunch, asked me
to recount the whole story.
Even Sue paused to listen,
her arm still bandaged
from one of Blake’s ricochets.
Even Nicholas
put down his graphic novel to hear.
    They pleaded for answers:
    Was the gun big?      How many guns?
    Did you get to fire it?    Was he acting, you know, crazy?
    Did he threaten you? Did he? Did he?
    When did you REALLY know?  Why didn’t you tell anyone sooner?
    Did you ever see him shoot the gun?
    Did he have grenades?        Was Aaron on his death list?
    Is it true that he sleeps in the closet?

ABSENCE
----
    Blake didn’t return to school.
After a few weeks
of lawyers and judges and doctors
and reporters and experts,
he was sent to some “facility”—
that word made me shiver—
in Phoenix, Arizona.
    I imagined Blake there
in that endless dry heat,
hunched somewhere alone
in a world of hospital white,
his father’s green army belt
looped twice around his waist,
an unopened pack
of Wrigley’s in his fist,
uneaten gumdrops bulging
in his shirt pocket.
    Everyone called me a hero,
but it didn’t feel that way.
    I was a snitch.
    I told on my friend.
    I was a thief.
    I stole my father’s keys.
    I was a liar.
    I lied about it all.
    I was a fraud.
    I was popular
for all the wrong reasons.
    Worse, I still yearned
for the Beretta
and all it meant to me.
    Maybe I did prevent
a massacre—
we’ll never know.
But I sure as hell
know one thing.
I lost a friend.
    I don’t have
the words
I needed
to calm
my soul.
    At least
I was
a hero.
    At least
there was
that.

AND THEN
----
    I started dreaming.
    Always of that day
when Blake was hauled
away in handcuffs.
    Sometimes of the
Thanks for nothing!

I wished he’d shrieked.
    Sometimes of cold
rings of steel
encircling my own wrists.
    With people suddenly
interested in me,
I still lived inside
the pile of my bones
and flesh,
so acutely aware
of myself
and how I buried
who I was inside
someone else’s story.
    Most of all, though,
I dreamed of that Beretta,
as if by holding it again
I’d still have Blake around
instead of off somewhere
where broken kids disappear to.
    What the hell’s wrong with me
?
I asked myself, wishing I’d never
seen a gun, but not quite