Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader Read Online Free

Croatians and Hungarians
    Background: In 1566 Suleiman the Magnificent was back at it. The now 72-year-old sultan himself led a force of 100,000 men against a fortress in Szigetvár, Hungary. The enormous processionleft Constantinople on May 1, 1566, and arrived on August 6.
    The Stand: For a month the Turks attacked; for a month they were repelled. In September they made an offer to the leader of the Croatian defenders, Nikola Zrinski: If he agreed to surrender, they would make him ruler of Croatia. He refused. On September 7 Suleiman died, apparently of natural causes, and the following day the Turks bombarded the fortress until it was almost completely destroyed. Zrinski, now commanding just 600 men, made his last stand against tens of thousands of storming Turks. They fought until only seven Croatian soldiers were left alive, Zrinski not among them. Estimates put the Turkish losses at more than 20,000.
OTHER NOTABLE LAST STANDS
    The Sicarii: In 72 A.D., in the midst of the First Jewish-Roman War, about 1,000 Jewish extremists known as the Sicarii (“dagger” in Latin) were holed up in the Masada, a massive stone fortress at the top of an isolated plateau. An army of 10,000 Roman soldiers surrounded it and spent nine months building a ramp to the top. Then they dragged up huge battering rams and slammed the 12-foot-thick walls over and over until they finally breached it. They put on their armor and prepared for battle…but found every man, woman, and child inside dead. The night before they had all committed suicide rather than be taken alive.
    Admiral Yi Sunsin: On October 26, 1597, a Korean force of 13 ships met 133 Japanese warships and 200 more smaller ships in Myeongnyang Strait at the southwest tip of Korea. When the day-long battle was over, Korean admiral Yi Sunsin had masterminded one of the most successful naval stands in history, losing no ships while sinking 31 Japanese ships and damaging 92 more.
    Los Niños Héroes: On September 12, 1847, an American force of 13,000 led by General Winfield Scott attacked Chapultepec Castle in Mexico City in one of the last battles of the Mexican-American War. Near the end of the following day, Mexican General Nicolás Bravo finally ordered retreat, but six military cadets—between 13 and 19 years old—refused. They stayed and faced the American onslaught, going down one by one to rifle fire or bayonet wounds. Legend says the last one wrapped himself in a Mexican flag and threw himself off the castle. Los Niños Héroes—the Boy Heroes—are among Mexico’s most admired historical figures.

LAUGH LINES
    Where sit-down readers salute stand-up comedians .
    “When people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”
    — Billy Connolly
    “I love to sleep. It’s the best of both worlds—you get to be alive…and unconscious.”
    — Rita Rudner
    “The sign said, ‘This door to remain closed at all times.’ Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a door?”
    — Danny McCrossan
    “Who invented the brush they leave next to the toilet? That thing hurts!”
    — Andy Andrews
    “Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter if blind people were given pointy sticks?”
    — Adam Bloom
    “I’ve always wanted to give birth…to kittens. It would hurt less, and when you’re done, you’d have kittens!”
    — Betsy Salkind
    “My love life is like a fairy tale. Grimm.”
    — Wendy Liebman
    “I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
    — Marcus Brigstocke
    “I wish I could play Little League now. I’d be way better than before.”
    — Mitch Hedberg
    “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
    — George Carlin
    “I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one odds I wouldn’t make it.”
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    “Fortunately my