The Rainbow Maker's Tale Read Online Free

she replied at
length, her lips curving into a small contrite smile as she
spoke.
    I frowned. Again, I did not
understand what she would be apologising for and curiosity was
about to force me into asking when she continued.
    “It’s just that I actually do like exams, pretty much for the reason you just said but
I’ve never thought that anyone else might feel like that and so I
would feel stupid saying it.”
    “Oh right…” I was unsure how to
respond to her admission that we had something in common. I
certainly had not expected that. Then I heard her words again in my
head; she felt the same way I did, but thought that she was stupid
for doing so? That didn’t make sense. As I was mulling this over I
repeated her words aloud to myself: “…you would feel stupid saying
what I said…”
    “No – not stupid,” Cassie
interrupted immediately, attempting to explain I thought.
“ It’s not stupid – it just surprised me to hear you say it , I guess.” She was struggling.
    “You don’t tell people the
truth,” I observed, my words sounding brusquer than I had intended
them to, although the fact remained: she said one thing but meant
another, based on what someone might think of that. It was an
interesting reversal of my own behaviour: I stayed quiet and
behaved one way, when in reality I wanted to do the complete
opposite, based on what people would think. I wanted to run and
scream and fight, but I didn’t.
    I was so preoccupied by my
private musings on this that when Cassie replied her voice
surprised me. I realised I’d spoken aloud – not just inside my
head, as I was used to doing – and it had obviously offended
her.
    “No – I mean yes – I do tell
people the truth. That’s not what I said.”
    Her tone was defensive: she
must have heard the bluntness in my unintentional observation and
taken it as a criticism of her behaviour. It wasn’t her fault; it
was mine. It was a statement of fact uttered by someone who hadn’t
conversed with anyone – except himself – for a very long time. How many misunderstandings could you get in one, short
dialogue?
    “I didn’t mean to imply that
you lied to people.” I tried to clarify my earlier words,
finding it hard to meet Cassie’s angry gaze. As I searched my
suddenly empty brain for some something more, my nervous fingers
sought a diversion and found the strap of my bag as they had
before. They began ineffectually fiddling with the plastic clasp,
whilst I mumbled and stuttered incoherently. “I just meant that you
said something as though it was how you felt when you don’t feel
that way at all…I mean…” Words failed me. “Oh forget it, I don’t
know what I mean!” I tried to step past Cassie and escape into the
empty corridor outside. This whole conversation was a mistake! I
berated myself angrily. You’re not right for this place – and
you don’t truly believe that she has answers to anything, that you
don’t already know. Just stop this nonsense and leave!
    “Don’t worry about it,” I heard
Cassie murmur as I passed. She sounded cautious, but forgiving, not
annoyed. “I think I know what you meant.”
    My feet paused, ignoring the
previous order to leave.
    Was there more for me to
consider?
    I had to acknowledge that this
young woman had an effect on me. Her anger made me apologetic; her
forgiveness made me happy. I smiled slightly, recognising a
sensation swelling inside me that had lain dormant for a long time.
Then I felt sad, understanding what I had actually become during
these last few years of my existence. My quest for the truth
overshadowed everything, and everyone.
    The emotions and thoughts I
suppressed around others on the station had moulded me into this
empty vessel that moved alone through the routine of my daily life.
But, the truth of this had eluded me until now. In the presence of
this girl, I literally knew that I had been empty, because
in that moment I became aware of a peculiar feeling inside me