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worth doing. For instance, for some people a scene needs to include some orgasmic activity. A scene may not be a scene without pain, or without bondage, or without service. Your needs are the items that are essential to you, and are not negotiable: if a prospective top doesn't want to do these, you probably wouldn't have enough in common to play with that person.

    You can mark the remaining items, including some in the MAYBE column, with a W for WANT - these are the fascinating challenges that constitute the icing on the cake, and while we can get along fine without any one or two or three of them, without any icing at all that cake may become kind of, well, plain. Try writing all the items on your MAYBE list on cards and putting them in order from what feels safest to what feels scariest. You may learn something about yourself, and when you are ready for some risky exploration, start with the easiest item.

    We strongly encourage you to try this exercise. You might also like to check out any of the good "negotiation checklists" available in other books and on some web sites - we like the one in SM101: A Realistic Introduction, but we're prejudiced. Exercises and checklists can help you to know and accept your desires and limits:
    self-knowledge makes for powerful bottoming, and powerful bottoming makes for hot play!

Negotiating for Bigger and Better Scenes

    So here you are, you've made your list and so has your top, you're ready to play. Now what?

    Negotiating a scene is basically mutual scheming. What you want to do is compare notes on the things you like till you come up with a list of things you would both enjoy or be comfortable doing, and then you get ro do them. So you start by proposing the things you're interested in (remember the YES-NO-MAYBE list?) and asking your prospective top what sorts of things she likes. This always starts the negotiation out on a positive footing since talking about sexy filthy dirty forbidden things that you might want to do is, although embarrassing, a tremendous turn-on.

    Don't forget to ask your top what he would like to get out of the scene: too often negotiation is all about the bottoms likes and limits, which is to say about the things the top should and should not do. Inviting your top to tell you what she likes and what her limits are will help make you a popular bottom.

    Negotiations must include your limits and any physical or medical problems that require special attention (people with heart problems may do better lying down than standing up, asthmatics need to be able to breathe freely, etc.). Negotiation also must include a discussion of your practices about safer sex, and how you will protect each others health. If this is difficult for you, we suggest you go to a workshop on safer sex risk reduction: your local AIDS program can probably direct you to one, or check the Bibliography for good books on safer sex. We are a sexually active group, and it is imperative that we learn to protect each other from the transmission of diseases: there are no exceptions, and no acceptable excuses. We do note that the aspect of our practices that is about high-tech sex makes us really clever at reducing the risks of transmitting unwelcome organisms: many toys can be sterilized much more easily than people, and the more abstract joys of mental domination pose no risks of disease
    whatsoever.

    It is also a good idea to bring up and discuss your and your top's customs regarding the use of intoxicants. We strongly recommend that you do not play when you or your partner is stoned or drunk. An intoxicated top is a dangerous top, and a bottom who is so stoned that she cannot tell what is going on is asking for injuries. We advocate moderation or abstinence. If you are so high that you are "feeling no pain," you're probably not feeling much pleasure either. We prefer to play with all our faculties intact because we like to be able to feel everything.

    Do let your prospective top know what you