The Language Inside Read Online Free Page A

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                   asking after Madoka’s relatives
                   sharing bits of news
                   and inquiring about hers
    I treat it like an assignment
    that I want to do well
    and add an extra page
    for her grandparents
    or cousins in Tohoku
    but I miss just being with Madoka
    with Madoka I could always talk
                                            or not talk
    either way she understood

     
    like before we left Japan
    when Madoka and I went to the beach
    to swim before dinner
    it wasn’t very clean
    never is late August
    but Madoka’s head bobbed on the waves
    the cliffs rose in the distance
    and above them, nearly not there
    the faint gray stamp of Mount Fuji
    when a plastic bag
    turned into a jellyfish
    we scrambled out, showered
    then walked to the end of the beach
    where the windsurfers go in
    and where the rocks of an ancient
    artificial island
    surface at low tide

     
    we waded through shallows
    over rippled sand
    staring at those rocks
    heaped hundreds of years ago
    to make the safe harbor
    we’d studied in school
    and as we stared at that history
    which I’d come to think of as mine
    Madoka said softly
    amerika-jin ni nacchau
—
                   you’ll turn into an American

     
    I
am
an American
I said
    but inside you’re Japanese
Madoka said
    using the word
nakami
—filling
    for inside
    I laughed
    said
well, that won’t change
    good
Madoka said
    and don’t start talking all loud and obnoxious
    or eating too much
    I won’t!
I said
    don’t change
she said
    then I noticed
    her chin trembling

     
    we wandered back from the sandbar
    and when we reached dry beach
    she stopped
    remember when we first went up to Miyagi
    after the tsunami?
    I nodded
    and we first looked into Jiichan
    and Baachan’s house?
    I nodded
    I didn’t think I could do it
    I thought I’d made a mistake
    going there so soon after
    and with my aunt still missing
    but you just grabbed one of the shovels
    handed me a bag and started in on the mud
    bag by bag,
you said
    you’d read that on someone’s blog
    that’s how to get it done
    and you were right, bag by bag
    she looked at me sideways
    then turned back to the waves
    they’ll be waiting for you up there, you know
    all of my relatives

     
    I whispered
    it might be a year
    sick at the thought
    I could be away that long
    or longer
    she nodded
    that’s okay
    they’ll still be waiting
    her eyes glistened
    and I knew that it wasn’t so much for our parting
    as for all that had happened this year
    all we’d seen together
                   smashed cars
                   fish in trees
                   sad eyes of people
                   and debris we’d bagged and added
                   to heaps upon heaps of debris
                   in an endless stretch of ruined towns

     
    I stood with her on the wet sand
    this friend I’d walked to elementary and
    middle school with
                   took ballet with
                             played volleyball with
    this friend whose grandmother’s arms
                   we’d held as we searched the rubble
                             of her missing daughter-in-law’s home
    we didn’t need words
    we just inhaled and exhaled
    side by side
    watching the waves
    until she said
    we’ll weigh you
    before and after
    what?
    she smirked
    to see if you get fat

     
    she was good at that
    reading the air
    saying the right thing
    at the right moment
    moving us along
    back to joking
    I gave her a shove
    we walked up the