saying—
my mother, cancer, moving to America
he said
itsuka kokutte ageyo ka na
—
one day I might tell you I love you
and I pulled away
and stared at him
what?
maybe, in the future
he said, and smiled
like I’d be grateful
and I said
why are you saying that?
why now?
did you hear a word I told you?
baka!
—jerk!
and I smacked him
on the back of his head
then I started to cry
I hadn’t meant to hit him
he said he was sorry
and held his head down
and I shook my head, said
it’s not you
I put his arm back around me
and leaned into him
but he looked away
toward the pinking sky
finally I licked my fingers
washed the track of blood
from my leg and we walked
back to my house not talking
just before we got there
I told him again I was sorry
in the future if you tell me you love me
I promise not to hit you
we both tried to smile
he said
don’t forget me
and I promised I wouldn’t
then we nodded
and finger-waved
good-bye
I have to wait a whole week
till my next Wednesday visit
at the Newall Center for Long Term Care
I look for Sam Nang at my new school
big as a college campus
with over 1,200 students
so many classes and different levels
and kids tall and loud
but in the crowds I never see him
and I realize I don’t even know
which grade he’s in
I hardly know anyone at this school
just some kids in my classes
and the Model UN team—
since I missed tryouts
for soccer and volleyball
and just my luck
both my sports
here in Massachusetts
are fall sports
I’m trying dance club
even though they dance at pep rallies
and halftime shows
and so far this fall
I’m not so full of pep
but Tracy, the captain
seems glad to have me
says I have awesome flexibility
says
good, good, that’s it
as I try following
their routines
after classes most days I go home
on the school bus
missing Japan’s fast trains
freedom
at YiaYia’s
I listen to the same old songs
play with the new cell phone
that Toby and I now share
do homework on Mom’s laptop
research Venezuela for Model UN
Chavez and petroleum
health care and politics
but soon I’m reading
news of Tohoku
and updates from friends in Japan
making comments on posts hours old
feeling time-warped and remote
I friend the few people I’ve met here
search for Sam Nang
but I don’t find any Sam Nangs
who look at all like Sam Nang
when Mom returns
from New York
she manages and directs us
the way to slice the sandwiches
which dressing for the salad
the proper way to dry the plates
what homework to do first
how to fold our laundry
and we all turn quiet
just following orders
till she gets it out of her system
YiaYia takes me aside
tells me not to talk back
just let her be
she says
she needs to feel in charge
obliging, Toby and I move furniture into
and out of our grandmother’s den
to make a bedroom on the first floor
where Mom will soon recover
I want to talk with Madoka
but she’s only online
when I’m home weekends
during her late evening
which is my late morning
Madoka’s mother insists we write letters
and since it’s through Madoka and her mother
that my Japanese is what it is
native level with no accent
once a week I handwrite
a proper letter
starting with a seasonal