The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) Read Online Free

way of his dream of attending Vanderbilt. So for the last four years, we’d lived over five hundred miles apart, but distance didn’t get in the way of our friendship. We talked most days, even if it was just a text to see how the other was doing. My college friends hadn’t understood our closeness, especially when I told them he wasn’t my boyfriend. Even more so when I was reluctant to date other guys. Because he really wasn’t my boyfriend. We’d shared a few kisses here and there, and we’d drunkenly fumbled around after prom, but neither of us had ever declared our true feelings. It didn’t feel right, not when we were both leaving for college. So we’d made a pact. Four years at college … and then we would return to Radeno.
    Together.
    Except here I was.
    Without him.
    Why, Lucas? Why?
    “Hey.”
    My head whipped up, and Ryan stood in front of me with his hands jammed in his black dress pants pockets.
    “Sucks, huh?”
    I nodded, wiping the tears away from my eyes. “I thought I had it under control.”
    “Creeps up on you like a snake.” Ryan dropped down next to me and kicked his legs out in front of him, leaning back on his elbows. The wild grass shielded us like a wall, and I was grateful for the seclusion. I didn't want anyone to see me this way.
    “It was the casket. Seeing it there, knowing he was inside, was like a slap in the face. Oh God, Ryan. He's gone; he's really gone.” My voice cracked again, and a fresh wave of tears spilled out. Ryan sat up and hesitated before wrapping an arm around me and pulling me to his side. He didn't say anything, he didn't have to; he just held me.
    ~
    I didn't know how long we sat there, but by the time either of us spoke, the sun had started to disappear on the horizon.
    “My family will be worried.”
    “They know I'm here with you. I told them I'd take care of you.”
    I pulled out of Ryan's hold and looked up, questioning him. “You did?”
    “Your brothers were about ready to send out a search party, but I had a feeling that was the last thing you wanted, so I offered to go look for you. I already texted Chase to let him know you're safe.”
    He had? I didn't know when or how, but I didn't care. I needed this. And in a strange way, I needed Ryan.
    Sure, everyone was sad about losing Lucas, but no one understood it the way we did.
    “Thank you,” I whispered falling back to his side. His arm curled back around my side, and I closed my eyes.
    “He would have wanted me to. You were the most important thing in his life, Mila.”
    “I know.”
    I did.
    Even when he'd chosen to go to Vanderbilt over attending Tulane with me, I knew it didn't mean anything other than he wanted to get the best education he could. My grades weren't good enough to make the cut for the prestigious college, so it was never an option for me to attend there with him. And I would never have held him back. Lucas was gifted in a way that made him stand out.
    “What the hell am I supposed to do without him?”
    It was rhetorical, but Ryan answered anyway.
    “You live, Mila. He wouldn’t want anything less,” he said.
    “I’m not sure I know how.”
    Ryan laughed softly. It wasn’t playful or mocking. It just was. “Sure, you do. You managed four years without him.”
    And I thought about him every second of every day.
    I didn’t say the words. Instead, I said, “But that was different. I knew I’d see him again. I’ll never see him again. He’s gone, Ryan, gone.”
    His grip on me tightened, and I knew he felt it too. The finality of it. The realization of what today meant.
    “I wasn’t even strong enough to stay for the service.”
    “It doesn’t matter, Mila. None of that crap matters.”
    It did matter, though. I’d let down the Gennerys. I’d let down Lucas. Another sob burst from me, and I turned into Ryan’s jacket to hide the sound.
    “Hey, hey.” He pushed me back gently, holding me at arm’s length, and brushed my jaw with his fingers. “Don’t do