The Dice Man Read Online Free Page B

tended to drift from job to job averaging two or three a year. He talked great deal about his jobs and about a mousy father and two disgusting brothers with families, but all with such cocktail party patter that I knew we must be a long way from what was really bothering him. If anything was bothering him. The only clue I had to indicate that he was anything but a vacuous muscle was his occasional spitting hissing remarks - usually of a general nature - about women. When I asked one morning about his relations with women he hesitated and then said he found them boring. When I asked him how he found fulfillment for his sexual needs, he answered neutrally, `Prostitutes.'
    Two or three times in later sessions he described in detail how he liked to humiliate the call girls he hired, but he would never make any effort to analyze his behavior; he seemed to feel in his casual man-of-the-world way that humiliating women was good, normal, all American behavior. He found it more interesting to analyze why he left his last job; the office he worked in `smelled funny.'
    About halfway through the session that August day he interpreted his seemingly pleasant recollections of having single-handedly destroyed an East Side bar by sitting up on the couch and looking intensely but in my professional opinion, dumbly, at the floor. Even his face seemed bulging with muscles. He sat there in the same position for several minutes, grunting quietly to himself with a sound like a noisy refrigerator. Finally he said:
    'I get so tied up inside I just have to . . . to do something or I'll explode,' he said.
    'I understand.'
    [pause]
    `Do something. . , sexually or I'll explode.'
    `You get so tense you feel you must express yourself sexually.
    `Yes.'
    [Pause] `Don't you want to know how!' he asked.
    `If you'd like to tell me.' `Do you want to know? Don't you need to know to help me?'
    `I want you to tell me only what you feel like telling me.'
    `Well, I know you'd like to know, but I'm not going to tell you. I've told you about the fuckin' women I've fucked and how they make me want to puke with their snaky wet orgasms, but I guess I'll keep this to myself.'
    [Pause]
    `You feel that although I'd like to know, you've already told me about your relations with women sand so you won't tell me.'
    `Actually, it's sodomy. When I get tense - it might be right after I've fucked some white-satin slut, I get ... I need ... I want to ram the Goddam insides out of some woman .. . some girl . . . young . . . the younger the better.'
    `When you're very keyed up you want to ram the insides out of some woman.'
    `The Goddam insides. I want to sink my prick up that intestine into that belly through the esophagus up that throat and come right out the Goddam top of her head.'
    [Pause]
    `You'd like to penetrate through her whole body.'
    `Yeah, but up her ass. I want her to scream, to bleed, to be horrified.'
    [Pause. Long pause]
    `You'd like to penetrate her anus and make her bleed, scream and be horrified.'
    'Yeah, but the whores I tried it with chewed gum and picked their nose.'
    [Pause] `The whores you tried it with were neither hurt nor horrified.'
    `Shit, they took their seventy-five bucks, shot their ass into the air and chewed gum or read a comic book. If I tried to get rough some guy six inches taller than me would appear in the doorway with a sledgehammer or something. [Pause] I found sodomy, per se [he smiled awkwardly] didn't end my tenseness.'
    `You were unable to release, your tension by relations with prostitutes when the women seemed to experience no pain or humiliation.'
    `So I knew I had to find someone who would scream.'
    [Pause]
    [Long pause]
    `You sought other alternatives to relieve your tensions.'
    `Yeah. Fact is I began raping and killing young girls.'
    [Pause]
    [Long pause] [Longer pause]
    `In an effort to relieve these tense feelings you began raping and killing young girls,'
    `Yeah. You're not allowed to tell, are you? I mean you told me professional