Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life Read Online Free
Author: Rachel Renée Russell
told me I would be working with two other girls who had signed up last week.
But what I wanted to know was WHO in their right mind would sign up to shelve library books as an EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY?!
At least I had a good excuse.
I did it while I was temporarily INSANE from MacKenzie’s icy stare, which had frozen my brain cells, slowed my heartbeat, and totally immobilized my body so I couldn’t sign up for the avant-garde art competition.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
I had the most horrible accident in French class today. While I was taking my French textbook out of my backpack, my perfumed body spray, called Sassy Sasha, fell on the floor.
Unfortunately, the little white nozzle thingy popped off, and it just kept spraying and spraying until the entire can was empty.
My teacher, Mr. Somethin’ or Other (I can’t pronounce his name because it sounds like a sneeze), started yelling a lot of stuff in French that sounded to me an awful lot like cuss words.
Then he evacuated all the students from the classroom because everyone was coughing and choking and their eyes were watering really bad.
And while we were standing in the hallway, waiting for the smell to go away, he asked me very rudely in English (which I DO understand) if I was trying to KILL him.
Okay! First of all, I don’t like French class that much anyway. And second of all, it was JUST an accident!
I mean, it’s NOT like my perfume was REALLY going to kill him. At least, I don’t think so.
But, then again, WHAT if it actually DID?! What if my French teacher collapsed in the teachers’ lounge while eating a corn dog at lunch and died from extreme Sassy Sasha asphyxiation??!!
And what if, for three whole days, no one noticed the foul odor coming from his dead body, since theschool lunches normally smell a lot like rotting flesh?!
The police would launch an investigation, and I would be the main suspect.
Then the CSI: Miami crime-scene experts would conduct scientific tests on my French teacher’s nose hairs and find traces of Sassy Sasha.
They would figure out that I was guilty of fumigating him with a lethal dose of my body spray.
And then, what if the CSI team SECRETLY planted ALL of the physical evidence on…MOI??!
(BTW, MOI is French for “ME”!)
I’d end up getting the ELECTRIC CHAIR during my freshman year, which would really SUCK!
And then afterward, I’d be like TOTALLY peeved because I missed drivers’ ed class and my senior prom!
Now that I think about it, Mr. Somethin’ or Other just LOVES MacKenzie, because she’s really good at French and she can pronounce his weird sneeze-sounding name.
I bet if she had dropped HER Sassy Sasha body spray in his classroom and the nozzle thingy popped off, he would NOT have yelled at her or accused her of trying to kill him.
But that’s because MacKenzie is
MISS PERFECT!!
I bet she’s even going to WIN the avant-garde art competition!
And afterward, just out of spite, she’ll probably check out like 189 books from the school library and then return them all the next day.
Of course, I’LL be the one STUCK having to put each and every one of them away, since I’m a STUPID library shelving assistant!
My pathetic life is SO UNFAIR, it makes me want to
SCREAM!!!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
Today everyone in the cafeteria was superexcited because MacKenzie was handing out invitations to her big birthday bash. The way Lisa Wang and Sarah Grossman were crying and hugging on each other, you would think they were gonna be on My Super Sweet 1 6 or something. It was beyond DISGUSTING!
MacKenzie’s PHONY friends crying PHONY tears and giving each other PHONY smiles and PHONY hugs!!
They reminded me of the Olsen twins. For the life of me, I never understood why those sisters were always hugging on each other. They were the first set of non-Siamese twins who people actually thought were joined at
But what I wanted to know was WHO in their right mind would sign up to shelve library books as an EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY?!
At least I had a good excuse.
I did it while I was temporarily INSANE from MacKenzie’s icy stare, which had frozen my brain cells, slowed my heartbeat, and totally immobilized my body so I couldn’t sign up for the avant-garde art competition.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
I had the most horrible accident in French class today. While I was taking my French textbook out of my backpack, my perfumed body spray, called Sassy Sasha, fell on the floor.
Unfortunately, the little white nozzle thingy popped off, and it just kept spraying and spraying until the entire can was empty.
My teacher, Mr. Somethin’ or Other (I can’t pronounce his name because it sounds like a sneeze), started yelling a lot of stuff in French that sounded to me an awful lot like cuss words.
Then he evacuated all the students from the classroom because everyone was coughing and choking and their eyes were watering really bad.
And while we were standing in the hallway, waiting for the smell to go away, he asked me very rudely in English (which I DO understand) if I was trying to KILL him.
Okay! First of all, I don’t like French class that much anyway. And second of all, it was JUST an accident!
I mean, it’s NOT like my perfume was REALLY going to kill him. At least, I don’t think so.
But, then again, WHAT if it actually DID?! What if my French teacher collapsed in the teachers’ lounge while eating a corn dog at lunch and died from extreme Sassy Sasha asphyxiation??!!
And what if, for three whole days, no one noticed the foul odor coming from his dead body, since theschool lunches normally smell a lot like rotting flesh?!
The police would launch an investigation, and I would be the main suspect.
Then the CSI: Miami crime-scene experts would conduct scientific tests on my French teacher’s nose hairs and find traces of Sassy Sasha.
They would figure out that I was guilty of fumigating him with a lethal dose of my body spray.
And then, what if the CSI team SECRETLY planted ALL of the physical evidence on…MOI??!
(BTW, MOI is French for “ME”!)
I’d end up getting the ELECTRIC CHAIR during my freshman year, which would really SUCK!
And then afterward, I’d be like TOTALLY peeved because I missed drivers’ ed class and my senior prom!
Now that I think about it, Mr. Somethin’ or Other just LOVES MacKenzie, because she’s really good at French and she can pronounce his weird sneeze-sounding name.
I bet if she had dropped HER Sassy Sasha body spray in his classroom and the nozzle thingy popped off, he would NOT have yelled at her or accused her of trying to kill him.
But that’s because MacKenzie is
MISS PERFECT!!
I bet she’s even going to WIN the avant-garde art competition!
And afterward, just out of spite, she’ll probably check out like 189 books from the school library and then return them all the next day.
Of course, I’LL be the one STUCK having to put each and every one of them away, since I’m a STUPID library shelving assistant!
My pathetic life is SO UNFAIR, it makes me want to
SCREAM!!!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
Today everyone in the cafeteria was superexcited because MacKenzie was handing out invitations to her big birthday bash. The way Lisa Wang and Sarah Grossman were crying and hugging on each other, you would think they were gonna be on My Super Sweet 1 6 or something. It was beyond DISGUSTING!
MacKenzie’s PHONY friends crying PHONY tears and giving each other PHONY smiles and PHONY hugs!!
They reminded me of the Olsen twins. For the life of me, I never understood why those sisters were always hugging on each other. They were the first set of non-Siamese twins who people actually thought were joined at
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