practice is great. There is something about being in the water, timing your breathing just right to each stroke that centers me and brings me to a place of peace. That's why I love swimming, you don't have to think, you just move. Being in the water is like second nature to me. I don't really think about anything while I swim laps. I think that's what I like most about being on the swim team. It isn't my teammates or competing but the pure lack of thinking. It is complete bliss to have a safe place to not have to think. Practice lasts about an hour and then it's back on the bus headed to the school. One of my teammates offers to give me a ride home but I decline. That's the last thing I need. My mother asking questions about who my friend is and why they are hanging out with such a pathetic loser. It's not that far of a walk. It gives me time to prepare myself mentally for all the possible moods my mother could be in when I walk through the door. I really think my mother is bi-polar but she refuses to get any professional help. Anytime you mention the possibility of a mental health issue she loses it and just repeats over and over again that she isn't crazy. I'm no expert but that doesn't exactly seem healthy to me. My mom can be so up and down. She is either manic or depressed. I really don't know which part is better. When she is manic she is all over the place but when she is depressed she just sleeps all the time and when she is awake she's a beast. Since I am the only one around, I get all her frustration and anger. I slowly climb the steps to my house dreading her mood. I open the front door and put my backpack down. When I look up I'm pleasantly surprised to find her in the kitchen cooking dinner. She must be manic right now. Full of energy and ready to bounce off the walls if she doesn't do something productive. I will take manic over depressed any day. Second thought, at least when she is depressed she sleeps like 18 hours a day. Maybe depressed is better. Hell, they are both bad. "Hi Mags. I thought I would make dinner since you were at school all day." She knows I hate it when she calls me Mags. Maybe this isn't going to be such a pleasant evening after all. "How was your first day back? Any cute guys ask you out?" Why? So you can hit on them when they come over to take me out? I ignore her question about boys and focus on school. "School was pretty good. I got Mr. Brown again for English. Chemistry is going to be hard so I will probably have to start staying for tutoring." It's always good to plant that seed now so when the time comes she is prepared. Otherwise she makes an even bigger deal about me not being home when she wants. I really don't get it because most of the time she doesn't even talk to me when I am around. I think it's a control thing with her. She wants to control whatever part of my life she can. I tried to be like her a couple of years ago and it nearly wrecked me so I stopped. Now I just pretend to be a person she can tolerate. She doesn't even know the real me. Amanda is the closest person to me and even she doesn't know everything about me. "I don't know why you bother learning that crap. I didn't even finish high school and I'm doing just fine. Just find yourself a rich man that will take care of you." Or find one that will die and leave you with a monthly income until your child turns 18. I wonder what she will do when that happens. I'm sure she hasn't even thought about it. She isn't much of a planner. As soon as I graduate high school the money stops. "I have some homework to do if you don't need my help." "Don't go. Just hang out with me while I cook. Then you can clean up and go grocery shopping after dinner. I noticed we are out of all my favorites. I also need some laundry done so I have some clean clothes for a change. So what's prissy little Amanda up to these days?" My mom doesn't like anyone that I focus any amount of attention on that takes away from my attention to her.