Stepping Into Sunlight Read Online Free Page A

her backyard, and Bryan trotted over to the fence to chat. Her voice carried through the screens. “Tell your mom there’s a great place to go crabbing in Portsmouth. You just use some chicken necks for bait.”
    I pulled away from the door, not wanting to hear any more. I didn’t need any advice on crabbing. I’d been crabbing all the time lately.
    With a kettle boiling for pasta, I found some aspirin and guzzled a tall glass of ice water. When Bryan tired of playing with his dead crab, he came inside and reached for a piece of the garlic bread I had pulled from the freezer.
    I grabbed his grubby wrist. “Hold it, buster. Go wash your hands. I’ll put out carrot sticks for a snack.”
    He brushed his hands off against his jeans and looked at me hopefully.
    “No. That doesn’t count. Go wash.” Parenting standards weren’t going to slip just because Tom was at sea.
    With a heavy sigh, he trudged to the bathroom. The faucet ran for about five seconds. I winced as I pictured the condition of the towel after Bryan wiped his dirt-smeared hands.
    He came back to the kitchen only slightly cleaner and hoisted himself onto a stool by the counter. “Are you feeling better, Mommy?”
    I handed him a carrot stick. “What do you mean?”
    “You know. ’Cause you’ve been so sad all the time.”
    Ouch. I thought my mommy façade had fooled him. “Maybe I’m just missing our old house.”
    He gave a sage nod. “Me too. But know what? I like the ocean. Can we go there again tomorrow? ’Cause know what? We’re s’posed to get more shells. Mrs. Pimple says so.”
    “Mrs. Pimblott.”
    “Yeah. And I need a bucket to carry them. Can we go to the store?”
    “Honey, you have school tomorrow—”
    “I kno-ow.” He blew his bangs upward with a huff. “But we can go after, right? It’s a good idea, Mom.”
    I tweaked his nose. “You think everything is a good idea.”
    He missed the sarcasm and nodded. “Know what? If we go to the beach, I could find another pet.”
    Oh, lovely. “Hey, buddy, there’s an e-mail here for you from Dad. Why don’t you go read it…”
    He’d already torn out of the kitchen. I smiled as I finished getting supper on the table. Before bedtime, Bryan dictated a long response to Tom, describing his new friends, his favorite teachers, and the sad demise of the latest pet attempt. I imagined the sound of Tom’s deep-chested laugh as he finished a tough day of work and opened his e-mails from home.

    ———Friday I spent most of the day on the couch while Bryan was at school. It wasn’t like me to lie around all day. Some part of me knew I should be worried about the lassitude and heaviness throughout my body, and the foggy disinterest in life that had invaded my brain. But I wrote it off as a mysterious virus. That’s probably what had hit me at the grocery store—the latest bug going around.
    Still, I felt guilty for the sluggish day. When Bryan got home from school with a list of “Great Family Outings” from his teacher, and begged to do something fun, I promised him a quick Saturday trip to a nearby botanical garden, complete with boat ride.
    The next morning, Bryan was almost jumping out of his Nikes with excitement, giving me no chance to back out. I still felt bloodless and weak. Tying my shoes took huge effort. Gathering my hair back in a ponytail nearly exhausted me. Even the car keys felt heavy in my hands. I picked up my purse, then hesitated in the doorway. Going outside suddenly felt like a bad idea. Bryan pushed past me and ran out to the car. I shook off the ripple of anxiety. We were going to have fun. Not just fun. We were going to have an amazing day so I could e-mail Tom all about it. I was sick of the careful, concerned questions he kept sending me and longed for the easy bantering we used to share. I needed to convince him that everything was fine.
    Bryan filled the drive to the botanical garden with a running description of everything happening at school. The