Sleep Talkin' Man Read Online Free

for others—something very much encouraged among the Lennard clan—and also his ability to comfortably fly under the radar when things get exceptionally lively—a useful talent amid such a rowdy group. As the sole performer in Adam’s slumbering subconscious, however, STM can shamelessly hog the limelight all to himself.
    I used to wonder why Adam’s sleep talking so often coincided with my bouts of insomnia. I eventually figured out that it was precisely because Adam subconsciously sensed that I was listening—I might be tossing restlessly, or getting up to pee, or popping open the laptop—that he started performing. And, in fact, there is loads of evidence that Adam is on some level aware of the world around him when he’s asleep, as he frequently reacts to subtle external stimuli. For example, this is how he responded to the sound of me typing away on the laptop:
    â€œClip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop … Who brought a horse in the bedroom? Oh well. Looks like I’m sleeping in the barn.”
    and me peeing in our en suite bathroom:
    â€œWhat are you pouring that away for?
I wanted that. Christ you’re a selfish fucking cunt … I don’t care.
Cold tea is still tea nonetheless.”
    (um … yuck?)and our little beagle Molly chewing her foot:
    â€œNibbling. Stop your nibbling.
Always with the nibbling.
Nibble my fucking fist! That’ll stop your nibbling. Can’t nibble with no teeth.”
    and me getting back into bed:
    â€œWhoop! Elephants landing!”
    (I especially appreciated that one.)
    He’s even reacted to several stages of stimuli, like so:
    (I open the laptop in bed)
“Mmmm, balls of light. Bibble bobbly bibble.
Bibble bobble.” (I quickly close it again out of guilt) “Oh, it’s burst! I hope it enjoyed itself whilst it was around.”
(I think, screw the guilt, I’m bored, and open the laptop again. Adam sings:) “Here comes the sun. Hmm hmm hmm hmm. Here comes the sun, and I say … Hmmm. I said something. I forget what.
Not important now.”
    My appetite for Adam’s sleep talking became insatiable, so naturally I started exploring whether I could trigger him. After much experimentation, I have learned the following:
    â€¢ DON’T say his name, or actual words of any kind. Something about language from outside his own head seems to jolt him back into the waking world, with all hope for sleep talking dissolving into the night.
    â€¢ DON’T pet him, stroke him, kiss him, hug him, blow on him, or balance objects on his head. Any of these actions causes Adam to believe himself to be under attack, resulting in a violent awakening accompanied by the shouting out of the name of whatever creature is out to get him this time.
    â€¢ DON’T wiggle around to shake the bed. Although this does get him talking, he whines about being seasick on a boat, thereby making me feel like a bad wife.
    â€¢ DON’T pick up Molly the little beagle and snuggle her up against him. He is likely to start awake suddenly thinking she is a furry monster, and scare the shit out of her. I eventually concluded that the safestyet most effective way to get Adam talking is to make a short little noise that I somewhere between a grunt and a hum. Just to let him know, “I’m here. You can entertain me now.” I call it “grumming.”
    I carried on with grumming for a while, with great results. Eventually, though, Adam noticed my grums in the recordings and figured out what I had been doing. Feeling like a guinea pig, he extracted a promise out of me that I’d stop. Being the loyal, obedient wife I am, I did stop … for a while. But sometimes, on those really quiet early mornings, when the light is just starting to peek through the window and I’m dying for the kind of comic relief that only Sleep Talkin’ Man can provide, I give a quiet, little “maybe he won’t