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men's penises? I want you to
hold my penis, get to know it intimately, fondle it, kiss it
and..."
    "No, I don't
want to see it!" the distressed girl cried, fleeing the room.
"Argh! A disgusting, horrible, slug-like one-eyed monster!" she
wailed, dashing down the hall.
    "Lily! Lily,
come back!"
    Shaking his
head in despair as the phone rang, Larry grabbed the receiver. "Ah,
Monica, everything all right on the western front?" he enquired
jovially.
    "Lily Dyke has
just run out of the building screaming about one-eyed
monsters!"
    "Yes, I know.
It's nothing to concern yourself with, she has a natural tendency
to run out of buildings screaming about one-eyed monsters. Her
peculiar psychological disturbance stems from an atrocious
childhood experience."
    "You shouldn't
employ her; you know she's a lesbian - and mentally unstable."
    "She's
bisexual. Are you bisexual, Monica?"
    "Certainly
not!"
    "That accounts
for it, then."
    "Accounts for
what?"
    "Nothing."
    "Anyway, I'm
not calling to discuss Lily Dyke. There's a man at reception to see
you."
    "Oh, right.
What does he want, do you know?"
    "He wouldn't
say."
    "Would you say
he looks like a civil servant?"
    "Why would I
say that?"
    "In your
considered opinion, would you say he looks like a civil
servant?"
    "How would I
know?"
    "By
considering your opinion, Monica."
    "Stop trying
to confuse me!"
    "You don't
need my help to confuse yourself! Is he carrying a briefcase?"
    "No, he's
not."
    "Thank God for
small mercies. OK, send him along."
    Bidding his
visitor enter as a loud knock sounded on the door, Larry smiled
benevolently. "Good morning, I'm Doctor Larry Lickman. What can I
do for you?"
    "You told my
wife to masturbate with two vibrators!" the bristling, balding man
yelled.
    "Er...
Mr..."
    "Schmidtbag."
    "Ah, yes, Mr
Schmidtbag. What an unfortunate name. Are you of German
descent?"
    "Certainly
not! I'm British through and through."
    "Have you ever
considered deed poll? I have it from a reliable source that it's
inexpensive."
    "I have not
come here to discuss my name! You sexually assaulted my wife!"
    "That's quite
an accusation, Mr Schmidtbag! I find your effrontery most
displeasing!"
    "Well, I'm
waiting!"
    "You're not
asking me to sexually assault you, are you?"
    "Don't be
ridiculous! I'm waiting for an explanation."
    "Aren't we
all, Mr Schmidtbag - aren't we all? An explanation as to why we're
here. We're just grains of sand in a vast desert..."
    "My wife told
me that you..."
    "Er... your beautiful wife, Gale, has deep-seated sexual
problems. She's suffering from a rare condition known as inactivus clitoris . Using
vibrators will..."
    "You
interfered with her anal canal!"
    "Interfered
with her anal canal?"
    "You took her
into a room, locked the door, and forced her to remove her
clothes!"
    "I might well have had reason to examine her, yes. I probably
checked her for rectus
crampus , as I do with most clients. Haven't
I seen you on television?"
    "Of course you
haven't!"
    "I could have
sworn I've seen a photograph of you on Crimewatch."
    "What are you
talking about?"
    "Or was it a
building society video?"
    "A building
society..."
    "Are you in
possession of a balaclava and a sawn-off shotgun?"
    "What? I want
an explanation! You rubbed my wife's clitoris and put your fingers
into her private orifices!"
    "Only in the
line of duty, Mr Schmidtbag - only in the line of duty. After all,
I am a qualified doctor. Doctor Larry Lickman D.M. D.sc. F.P.S.
F.R.C.P. S.H.I.T."
    "S.H.I.T?"
    "Society of
Hormone Implant Techniques. I am also a highly qualified
C.U.N.T."
    "You're a
cunt?"
    "Yes, a
Cervical and Uterine Neuroma Technician."
    "I don't care
what you are, it's disgusting! You tied my wife down to an
examination couch with lengths of rope!"
    "Did I? Good
grief, I don't remember doing that. Are you sure your wife's not
having delusions?"
    "Of course
she's not having delusions!"
    "Hallucinations?"
    "You're mad!
What's the idea?"
    "Which
idea?"
    "You should be
struck off!"
    I was never struck