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the reins and driving the horse around the field and I felt her pressing warmness against my back and I went all hot as I did then but in a different way cos never again would I ride on a great big horse around a field with her laughing and pressing all warm behind me. I remembered the smell that came out of her hair. I liked my Auntie Scantie. She made men stare and hide parts of themselves but it was me she took up on to the horse and I’d never ever see her again and that thinking shoved Sad into my body.
    The phone rang as Drunkle got up out of his chair. He picked it up and spoke and I could tell then that it was My Mam Bethan cos he said her name. They spoke for a bit and I tickled Arrn’s head but he wasn’t interested in me cos his bone was better but he didn’t growl at me and say his name at me cos he never did but he will say his name at other people even go to bite them sometimes but never me or Drunkle cos he liked both of us and we liked him.
    Drunkle passed the phone to me.—Here y’go, bach. Talk to yur Mam.
    He went off into the kitchen and I heard him opening another bottle and I talked words with My Mam. I said hello and she said how are you are you okay and I said is
he
still there and she said it was best if I stayed where I was For The Time Being cos they were Going Their Separate Ways and
he
didn’t like it and anyway I loved it Up There didn’t I? Yes I said I said I was happy and didn’t tell her my sadness about Auntie Fay and Mam said do I need my tablets and I moved my shoulders up and down but thought then that she couldn’t see me do that moving over the phone so I just said mmm and she told me that I’d been fine recently, she
told
me that and didn’t ask me it and I wanted to tell her that no I hadn’t but I didn’t cos she Had Enough On Her Plate and did not need more worryness but I did not like that her Telling Me and not Asking Me and she said that we’d be good company for each other me and Drunkle and I said mmm again even tho I love my Drunkle but he can talk strange things and she said he needs the company now doesn’t he? And to Keep An Eye Out for him but I didn’t know what that meant and thought it would hurtly blind me halfways. She told me that I was sixteen which of course I knew and that I was now a Man which I didn’t care if I knew or not cos men were either bastard bad people like NotDad or Arthur or not happy people like Drunkle and I didn’t really want to be like none of them even if I did love my Drunkle I didn’t want to be like him in his not-happy ways. And she told me to keep in touch and that she’d come up to the house and see me next week and we could go for a walk and I said okay which meant I know you won’t come and she told me to look after myself and Arrn and Drunkle too and she told me that she loved me and I said okay and she hung up and her voice went and the telephone then went brrrr.
    —How is she? Drunkle asked, back on the couch in his place with another bottle. I did the shoulder-up-and-down thing again which this time could be seen by the person I was doing it at and Drunkle did not answer with words or with anything else which was okay cos the shoulder-up-and-downy thing wasn’t a question anyway. Drunkle just looked at me. I didn’t want him to start his talk again so I asked him if I could go and see Bala Lake and that made him put a smile at me and we went upstairs to the room which I slept in and he turned his computer on and it made a wheezy-whiny noise and clicked and purred like Drunkle’s cat that lives in the barn and is called Charlesworth and is fat like a furry rugby ball and had just had kittens which I wanted to see but not just yet cos they were too tiny still and Charlesworth would hiss and swipe. Drunkle made the arrow move across the screen and then after a bit of time I could see Bala Lake on the screen with the words ‘MONSTER WATCH’ in red at the top of it. Just the water of Bala Lake all dark and