enough to fit in a backpack or lunch bag. Oh hello, would you like to steal my lunch? How would you like to see out of a tube for the rest of your life! BOOM! That would be so friggân sweet. Just imagine some moron saying that crap to your face and having a boatload of ninja stars in your pocket. Heâd wish his parents never even thought about making love. That guy would be sitting meat. Then Iâd go over to his house and rip out his dogâs hair and spit all over the place. And then Iâd make love to his motherâs butt, while everybody in the nation watched. Take my lunchâyeah, right! Iâll bite your face off.
Ninja Sword
The ninja sword is shorter than the samurai sword, but that doesnât mean the samurai sword is better. There are big debates about which sword is the bestâconferences and stuffâbut people who believe that the ninja sword isnât the sweetest are stupid idiots. They put their ninja sword in a long pocket on their back so that their hands are free for climbing up dojos and stuff like that. The ninja sword is mainly used on necks, but it can also be used on arms, legs, and stomachs. The guy who invented it is probably pretty cool (and pretty rich, if you ask me). 18
Guitar
The guitar is the ninjaâs trumpet. He uses it as a warning that danger is near and heâs ready to rock. If a ninjaâs finger merely brushes up against a guitar, a humongous wail will happen. No other mammals can wail as hard. It has something to do with magic. I asked Dad if he would get me a guitar for Christmas, and he said he would buy me one if I ran away.
Boner
The boner is the ninjaâs hottest weapon. A ninja can pop thousands of them if they get super pumped. Some studies even show that a ninja can pop more than a million boners, if they need to. They can be used on babes 19 or morons. Ninjas can slam or slap their opponent or girlfriend with it. The boner is also used to help balance when they are tree-waiting. I remember my first boner. I was looking through my neighborâs window and could see some lady changing her panties and everything. But check this out, behind her on the bed I could see this big orange cat licking its nutsack. And BOOM! My pants inflated like an air bag. Mom busted into the room, and was like, âWhat the heck are you doing?â And I was like, âNothing.â And she was like, âYeah, right.â
Skills Non-Ninjas Only Dream of Having
Did You Know?
Ninjas can only climb ladders backwards because of their huge boners. So they invented the catapult to get themselves into peopleâs backyards and onto roofs.
Flying
Ninjas fly all the time, because itâs cheap and easy. Not like birds, but more like hovercrafts, like theyâre floating in the pool, but in air. All they need to do is start thinking about knives and necks, and they start to rise.
Invisibility
Being invisible would be pretty great, if you ask me. You could do anything! Suppose you were invisible and there is some kid who used to like you, but doesnât anymore because you donât know why, and heâs going through puberty, and just when heâs about to go to a fancy wedding or something, you sprinkle pubes all over his shirt, and it screws up the entire ceremony.
Smoke Screen
This is for ninjas who canât get invisible for some reason.
Bio-slime
This is used for sticking to walls or for just freaking out the ladies. The slime comes out of their armpits, feet, and mouth. They spray when they get pumped.
Trapping
Ninja traps can be used for catching people. And then they can either scare their victim or just kill them, basically itâs up to the ninja. For example, if a ninja wants to trap a bunch of people at once, he could put a huge net in the street and cover it with leaves and twigs. Then when a bus comes, he would pull the rope and BOOM, heâs got them. The ninja would tip the bus over so everybody falls out