Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) Read Online Free Page B

Nature, and what in the hell am I supposed to do with this?” she shouted, shaking the useless scroll violently.
    “Don’t know and don’t care,” Mother Nature giggled. “Anyhoo, I have bigger problems. That lying bastard Poseidon claims he can pound out 332,593 words an hour. I can only type 332,591. When I suggested we could work together and turn out a five to ten thousand page romance novel in four days he laughed in my face and told me to eat it.”
    “What in the hell are you babbling about?” What in the world did this have to do with the bullshit info that she’d been given?
    “He’s writing about shifter frogs that turn into Playboy center fold models who are lesbians with nun fetishes. He says it’s never been done and he’ll make millions. It actually confuses the hell out of me, but he swears that’s his advantage. He claims he doesn’t think linearly so it would be stupid to write that way . . . he may be onto something.”
    “You are insane and I demand my money back,” the voice screamed. “The information is ridiculous.”
    “Now, now, now . . . you should really join me in my anger management classes. They’re tons of fun and I am by far the nicest person there, which is a rarity. I’ve learned some tremendous new fighting techniques and some hair pulling moves that could put a vampire into traction. If you have any free time, you really should attend,” Mother Nature said soothingly.
    “Listen to me, Mother Humper,” the voice sputtered with barely controlled hostility. “You gave me the ocean as the address. What in the hell kind of address is the OCEAN?”
    “He lives on a ship, you plastic surgery experiment gone awry. What did you think his address would be?” Mother Nature glared at the voice.
    “I don’t know,” the voice shrieked. “How in the hell am I supposed to find a ship on the ocean?”
    “I have no idea,” Mother Nature laughed. “You weren’t specific enough with your request.”
    The voice lunged for Mother Nature, but her rather hefty and somewhat deformed looking top half made quick movement impossible. Mother Nature stepped out of the way and the voice tumbled, over-enhanced boobs first, to the filthy floor of the cave.
    “I gave you his name,” Mother Nature said growing weary of dealing with such an angry and mentally deranged nightmare. “I’ll give you a few more tid-bits.”
    “Fine,” the voice groused from the floor. “It’s the least you can do.”
    “His name, as you know, is Pirate Dave. He is as stupid as he is handsome. He suffers from a permanent erection and his genitalia doubles as his brain.”
    “Really?” the voice purred with interest.
    “Yes,” Mother Nature smiled. “He is a breast man.”
    “I have tremendous ta-tas,” the voice bubbled with excitement.
    “Well . . . I’m not sure I’d use that word, but they are ginormous.”
    “Can you at least tell me which ocean?” the voice whined.
    “For a price,” Mother Nature replied. “A hefty one.”
    “Name it,” the voice snapped, trying unsuccessfully to get up. The sheer weight of her chest balloons hindered her progress.
    “Oh, don’t worry,” Mother Nature trilled. “I will.”

Chapter Eight
     
    “I have a date with Mork and Mindy,” Pirate Dave told Shirley, looking down at her with pity. He’d had a blissful two weeks and three and a half days of sex with Shirley, but there were some issues. She had successfully kept him from humping her sister, dry or otherwise. Her voracious appetite for riding his skin-bronco was mind boggling. As much as he relished their aerobic copulation and her prowess with describing his Johnson in great detail before, during and after sex, he was sure he’d lost thirty percent of his hearing from her voice.
    He yanked on his plaid breeches and ran his hands through his greasy hair. He picked several lice from his chest fur and smashed them with his bare hand. He briefly considered bathing, but decided against it. A