Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) Read Online Free

cried causing the crew to slap their hands over their ears to avoid an eardrum rupture.
    “I see you are pleased,” Pirate Dave preened. “I shall now hump you! But which one shall I mount first?”
    The crew shouted out their opinions with gusto. Several thought the gals should make out with each other first, but while Dave found the idea intriguing, his pork sword could wait no longer.
    He slowly disrobed as he crossed the deck to the now titillated women. He smacked his tongue over his manly lips in promise of things to come. He raised his substantial eyebrows and manhandled his electric eel to impress his gals. It worked! The girls giggled and angled themselves to be more appealing to their hairy, horny savior.
    He tripped over a dead fish, but righted himself before he hit the deck. He stared at the twins with a gaze that seemed to sear through their bloody and tattered dresses. The fire in his eyes heated their skin causing them to slap repeatedly at their arms and legs. The sensual coldness in his sexy gaze was like ice, causing the nipples on their bodacious ta-tas to freeze into rock hard pebbles that could put an eye out.
    “Sweet baby Jesus in a catsuit! Which one shall I start with?” Dave was torn. This was an important decision. Actually it wasn’t all that important, so he decided to be scientific about it. “Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a mermaid by her toe. If she hollers don’t let go. She will eat you . . . so behead her and then throw her back in the sea. It will send a strong message to all those other man-eating bitches. My Mother says to pick the very best one and you are IT!”
    His finger pointed to Shirley. He was pleased with his choice. As long as she didn’t speak, her eagerness to please was highly arousing.
    “Wait a minute,” Laverne spat. “I’m the one to go first. I will not take sloppy seconds after my moronic sister!”
    “Now, now, Laverne,” Pirate Dave chuckled. “While I find your desire for my divine rod delightful, I have chosen to copulate with Shirley first. You will get your turn in approximately fifty-seven seconds!”
    He took the victor, Shirley, into his muscular arms while Laverne pitched a fit nearby. Shirley clung to him like a treed cat with a pack of hyenas on the ground below waiting to kill her. Her grip was painful and stopped the blood flow to his brain, but that mattered not, for most of his life-blood had traveled to his beef-bayonet anyway.
    Shirley, calling on her Pilates training, clenched her core muscles in anticipation of gripping her new boyfriend like a life sucking vice. She could hear her sister’s rant and took secret delight in the fact that the big, hairy, unpleasantly aromatic, sexy Time-Traveling Vampire Pirate Warlock had chosen her.
    Pirate Dave kissed his voluptuous gal pal. She kissed him back with a wide open wet mouth. He could feel her saliva dripping down his chin. Dave was so turned on he wasn’t sure if he could even last his normal thirty-seven seconds. Just as he was about to remove his breeches and reveal his raison d’être . . . .
    “God damn it,” he shouted, yanking his cell phone from his pocket. “Of all the inopportune moments!”
    Pirate Dave dropped a slobbering Shirley to the ground and quickly scanned his phone. “ZAX? Son of a bitch!” Dave shrieked. “Where is that obese turd-knocker coming up with this shit? ZAX is not a word!”
    “Actually, it is,” Hook whispered, ducking in case Dave decided to hurl his phone.
    “Really?” Dave replied in a tone so calm that most of the crew instantly wet their pants.
    “Yes,” Hook croaked. He shook like a leaf, but continued. “A zax is a hand tool used by a slater for cutting, trimming and punching nail holes in slate.”
    “Well, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Everyone knows that shape-shifters, especially opossum-shifters, were created for slate work. I call BULLSHIT,” Dave shouted at the sky and was quickly struck by lightning. “Is