Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) Read Online Free Page A

that all you got?” Dave screamed putting out the fire in his hair. “One of these days I will rip your fat ass from cheek to cheek!”
    “Are you alright Captain?” Hairy Sam asked with concern.
    “Fine, fine. Is anything else on fire?” Dave asked.
    “No sir, I think you put it all out,” Sam said.
    “Let me see here,” Dave muttered, playing with his phone. “If Poseidon is going to procure assistance, I shall do the same! Men gather round!”
    The crew crept over to their hero and mentor. Fear of what would be required showed clearly on their faces.
    “I have seven letters here. You will come up with a word that will leave that portly asshat sobbing and conceding defeat. The letters are Q, W, T, F, M, P, V. Those letters have fine point values attached to them and shall ensure my win!”
    “Um, Captain . . . you need some, you know, vowels to make words.” Crooked Jim’s voice wavered.
    “Hmmm.” Dave pondered the problem. “I see what you’re saying, Jim, but I find that excuse to be cowardly and repugnant. I challenge you men to create my word! The victor will be given an evening at John’s Boobie Barn and the failures will lose a body part. Have I made myself clear?”
    Sheer black fright swept through the crew as they nodded their heads. Several cried and the others puked. Dave was satisfied.
    Now back to business.
    As Pirate Dave took Shirley back into his brawny embrace, Laverne appeared out of nowhere wielding a large dagger.
    “Drop her,” Laverne hissed furiously. “I’m first.”
    “Holy Hell!” Dave whined. “Could this day get any worse? All I want is to get jiggy with it and now THIS? Is it not bad enough that I have to deal with an assmonkey God who cheats at Scrabble? For the love of all things with nipples, I saved you and had you sawed in half! I understand that my Johnson is in high demand, but Shirley won my favors fair and square. Give me a BREAK!”
    The crew quickly moved in to apprehend Laverne before she pissed off their Captain any more.
    It was a clusterfuck and then some.
    Crooked Jim lost two more fingers in the altercation. Hairy Sam was racked into unconsciousness. Hook and Calico Andy suffered third degree titty-twister burns. The rest of the crew ran and hid. Laverne was freakin’ mean. Twenty-two seconds after it started it was over when Hook and Calico Andy snuck up behind her and shoved her overboard.
    “Captain,” Hook moaned, “we have secured your safety. You may proceed with Shirley.”
    “I’m already done!” Dave shouted triumphantly. “Twenty-two seconds is a new record for me! Remember gentlemen, it’s size and pubic hair, not staying power, that enthralls women! Right Shirley?”
    “Um . . . yes?” she replied.
    “What have you done with Laverne?” he asked, glancing around the deck.
    “We threw her overboard,” Calico Andy replied with pride.
    “Poseidon’s Scaly Scrotum, get her back! There’s no way in hell Shirley, as horny as she is, could withstand my randy attentions twenty-four seven. I’m packing a titanic hog!! Right Shirley?”
    “Um . . . yes?” she replied.
    “But Captain,” Hook cried, massaging his bleeding nipples. “She tried to kill you and the entire crew.”
    “Yes, and that made my man-tool very manly indeed! Put her in the brig! I will spend fifty-seven seconds recovering and then I shall fornicate with the mean one!” Dave yelled. “Hop to it! My pork sword has been kept waiting long enough!”

Chapter Seven
     
    The icy chill in the cave wasn’t due to the weather. Nope, it was caused by the fury of the one shrouded in darkness. She was pissed and it wasn’t pretty.
    “I paid you two hundred thousand and this is what I get, Mother Nipples?” the voice shrieked.
    Mother Nature glanced around the cave with repulsion, careful not to let her eyes rest on the abomination huddled in the corner. “It’s Nature, you idiot. I promised stats and an address and that’s what I gave you.”
    “I said