Pilgermann Read Online Free

two-dimensional sunlit patterns like an infinitely extending oriental carpet. I seemed to have been there for some time. ‘What did you say?’ I said.
    Jesus said, ‘I said it is what you wished.’
    I said, ‘Can you have seen Sophia and say that? I am young, the blood in me runs hot, I lust but I am unmanned. I lust, I long, I yearn, I hunger, I hum like a tuning fork, I flutter like a torn banner in the wind. That which I was I can never be again, that which I am is intolerable, that which I shall be I cannot imagine. I glimmer like a distant candle, I mottle like the sunlight on the carpet, like the shadows of leaves. I am something, I am nothing, I am here, I am gone.’
    ‘It is what you wished,’ said Jesus. ‘Only now do you hum, flutter, glimmer, mottle, be something, be nothing, be here, be gone with me. Only now are you tuned to me.’
    ‘Never did I wish to be a eunuch,’ I said, ‘and never did I wish to be tuned to you.’
    Jesus said, ‘And there are eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs on account of the kingdom of the heavens. The one being able to grasp it let him grasp.’
    I said, ‘I never made myself a eunuch.’
    Jesus said, ‘Life moves by exchanges; loss is the price of gain. Some pay with one thing, some with another; whatever is most dear, that is my price.’
    I said, ‘Why is that your price?’
    Jesus said, ‘What is dear is what is held dear, and there can be no holding by those who go my road; there can be no holding by those who will be here with me and gone with me.’
    I said, ‘Never did I ask to go that road, never did I wish to be here with you, gone with you.’
    Jesus said, ‘Always you wished it, and most of all when you put hand and foot to that ladder of love and pleasure. In your soul you called to me, you longed for me when you climbed that ladder. With eager hands you reached for pleasure and held it fast but whoever holds on wishes to let go because attachment is not wholeness: the only wholeness is in being with everything and attached to nothing; the only wholeness is in letting go, and I am the letting go.’
    I said, ‘I know nothing of all this.’
    ‘You will know,’ said Jesus, ‘and your knowing in time to come will make you know it now.’
    ‘What is between us, you and me?’ I said.
    ‘Everything,’ said Jesus.
    ‘Why me?’ I said.
    ‘Why not you?’ said Jesus.
    I, Pilgermann, poor bare tuned fork, humming with the for-everness of the Word that is always Now. Unbearing the Unbearable, intolerating the Intolerable, being not enough for the Too-Muchness. I, poor harp of a Jew twanging incessantly in the mouth of Jesus, in the lion-mouth of Christ Pandamator, Christ All-Subduer. There is a point where pattern becomes motion; the pattern has found me and I must move, must be aware of moving, must be a motion, an action of the Word. Poor bare tuned fork.
    ‘Blessed are they that are tuned to me,’ said Jesus.
    ‘Why?’ I said.
    ‘Because they shall move,’ said Jesus. ‘They shall go, they shall have action.’
    While he was saying that I was thinking: I, poor eunuch of my Lord, neither sheep nor goat, neither of the left hand nor of the right, subject always to Christ the redeemer, the ransom, the sacrifice, victim, torturer, murderer, bringer of death. Iesous Christous Thanatophoros. Kyrios.
    Jesus said, ‘I am the light of day. Do you believe?’
    ‘I believe,’ I said.
    Jesus said, ‘I am the energy that will not be still. I am amovement and a rest but at the same time I am all movement and no rest and you will have no rest but in the constant motion of me. Do you believe?’
    ‘I believe,’ I said.
    ‘Why do you believe?’ said Jesus.
    ‘No belief is necessary,’ I said. ‘It manifests itself.’
    Jesus said, ‘Why in your mind do you call me bringer of death? Why in your mind am I Iesous Christous Thanatophoros?’
    I said, ‘How can I not think of you as Thanatophoros? Whoever wants to kill a Jew does it in your name. In