Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) Read Online Free
Author: Jill Smokler
I am spending nearly ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS on their rotten teethâand thatâs before orthodontics!
The list of things parents do to make raising children harder for the rest of us goes on and on. There are the parents who do a half-assed job of shampooing lice out of their own kidsâ hair. The parents who buy their kids the hot new toy the day it hits the shelves. The parents who throw birthday parties that rival wedding receptions. If I could, Iâd gather all of those parents in one room and become the parent who goes Nightmare on Elm Street on their asses.
Of course, Iâm also surrounded by wonderful friends and family without whom I wouldnât stay sane. The ones who offer to pick my kid up from school when Iâm out of town. The ones who provide my kids with after-school snacks when I forgot to pack any. My mother, who folds my laundry when Iâm just about to burn it all and start over. But just when I think Iâve found my village, someone goes and gives my kid a freaking fish.
I suppose, though, it should be expected. After all, every village has its resident idiot.
Decoding Mom-Speak
Oh dear, (s)heâs quite a character!
Your kid is a brat.
Itâs adorable that you let him dress himself!
I would never let my child look so ridiculous.
Youâre glowing!
OMG, youâve gotten so fat!
Have you lost weight?
You look like hell, but Iâm trying to think of something nice to say.
I love what youâve done with your hair!
Oh look, you showered today!
Your husband is so lucky to have you.
And Iâm so glad I wasnât the one to marry him.
Iâm so glad you came by for a visit!
Please get out of my house and CALL next time, you rude bitch.
Iâll let you know.
Over my dead body.
Oh, isnât he darling!
Iâm never watching that child for you.
I promise, youâll be okay.
Youâre screwed.
Lie #5
HAVING KIDS KEEPS YOU YOUNG
I put salt in my coffee this morning. My hair is unwashed. I havenât slept in two years. I regularly injure myself on small plastic objects. I envy my petsâ daily routine. I depend on caffeine and Sesame Street. I. Am. Mom.
âScary Mommy Confession #127336
I read an article a few years ago about a gorgeous and slender movie star in her late forties. When she was asked about her secrets for looking so young, flawless, and vibrant, her answer was simple: âMy kids keep me young,â she chirped. âIâm always playing with them and running around after them and it has taken years off of my appearance.â Itâs a good thing the magazine was in print and I wasnât in a live studio audience at some talk show, because if that woman had uttered such foolishness in front of me, I would not have been able to restrain myself fromphysically attacking her. Lady: Your kids are not to thank for your flawless appearance, your plastic surgeon is. And youâre not fooling anyone.
Whoever first uttered the phrase âchildren keep you youngâ clearly didnât have children themselves. Because once you have kids, you know better. Children donât keep you young; they prematurely age the hell out of you.
I canât say with absolute certainty that the increasing frequency with which I have to color my hair is directly related to having children, but donât you think itâs suspicious that the gray hairs on my head seem to appear in two-year increments? I donât have scientific proof that the wrinkles on my forehead become more pronounced every year on each of my kidsâ birthdays, but it sure seems like a trend to me. And while I expected that giving birth vaginally three times in four years would, um, loosen things up, I didnât expect that at thirty-five years old I would be watching commercials for Depends with sincere curiosity.
Speaking of television commercials, whatâs with all the advertisements that show gleeful mothers playfully chasing their children around the
The list of things parents do to make raising children harder for the rest of us goes on and on. There are the parents who do a half-assed job of shampooing lice out of their own kidsâ hair. The parents who buy their kids the hot new toy the day it hits the shelves. The parents who throw birthday parties that rival wedding receptions. If I could, Iâd gather all of those parents in one room and become the parent who goes Nightmare on Elm Street on their asses.
Of course, Iâm also surrounded by wonderful friends and family without whom I wouldnât stay sane. The ones who offer to pick my kid up from school when Iâm out of town. The ones who provide my kids with after-school snacks when I forgot to pack any. My mother, who folds my laundry when Iâm just about to burn it all and start over. But just when I think Iâve found my village, someone goes and gives my kid a freaking fish.
I suppose, though, it should be expected. After all, every village has its resident idiot.
Decoding Mom-Speak
Oh dear, (s)heâs quite a character!
Your kid is a brat.
Itâs adorable that you let him dress himself!
I would never let my child look so ridiculous.
Youâre glowing!
OMG, youâve gotten so fat!
Have you lost weight?
You look like hell, but Iâm trying to think of something nice to say.
I love what youâve done with your hair!
Oh look, you showered today!
Your husband is so lucky to have you.
And Iâm so glad I wasnât the one to marry him.
Iâm so glad you came by for a visit!
Please get out of my house and CALL next time, you rude bitch.
Iâll let you know.
Over my dead body.
Oh, isnât he darling!
Iâm never watching that child for you.
I promise, youâll be okay.
Youâre screwed.
Lie #5
HAVING KIDS KEEPS YOU YOUNG
I put salt in my coffee this morning. My hair is unwashed. I havenât slept in two years. I regularly injure myself on small plastic objects. I envy my petsâ daily routine. I depend on caffeine and Sesame Street. I. Am. Mom.
âScary Mommy Confession #127336
I read an article a few years ago about a gorgeous and slender movie star in her late forties. When she was asked about her secrets for looking so young, flawless, and vibrant, her answer was simple: âMy kids keep me young,â she chirped. âIâm always playing with them and running around after them and it has taken years off of my appearance.â Itâs a good thing the magazine was in print and I wasnât in a live studio audience at some talk show, because if that woman had uttered such foolishness in front of me, I would not have been able to restrain myself fromphysically attacking her. Lady: Your kids are not to thank for your flawless appearance, your plastic surgeon is. And youâre not fooling anyone.
Whoever first uttered the phrase âchildren keep you youngâ clearly didnât have children themselves. Because once you have kids, you know better. Children donât keep you young; they prematurely age the hell out of you.
I canât say with absolute certainty that the increasing frequency with which I have to color my hair is directly related to having children, but donât you think itâs suspicious that the gray hairs on my head seem to appear in two-year increments? I donât have scientific proof that the wrinkles on my forehead become more pronounced every year on each of my kidsâ birthdays, but it sure seems like a trend to me. And while I expected that giving birth vaginally three times in four years would, um, loosen things up, I didnât expect that at thirty-five years old I would be watching commercials for Depends with sincere curiosity.
Speaking of television commercials, whatâs with all the advertisements that show gleeful mothers playfully chasing their children around the
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