Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You Read Online Free Page A

possibility of a benevolent God existing in a world where people suffer needlessly

13 Conclusions Darren Reaches After His Dad Finally Comes to a Stop at 8:04 a.m. by the Edge of the Student Parking Lot, Where Darren Sees Fellow Tenth Grader Moe Whitehead Get Out of His 2002 Pontiac Grand Am
    1.  I am younger than pretty much everyone in tenth grade.
    2.  So I can’t drive yet.
    3.  I used to think it was cool to be just about the youngest kid in my grade, because it meant I got to hang out with older kids all day.
    4.  Even though sometimes it kind of sucked. Like in PE.
    5.  Plus maybe if my parents hadn’t decide that it would be okay for me to start kindergarten early, even though my birthday’s in November, I’d have more friends and a whole different and maybe better life.
    6.  And for some reason, I still don’t really understand why they decided to do that in the first place.
    7.  But so what, the point is I can’t drive yet, even though pretty much everyone in my grade can by now.
    8.  Which sort of blows, because everyone acts like driving is the coolest thing ever.
    9.  But then again it doesn’t completely blow, because I have a feeling I’m going be a lousy driver and maybe even one of those kids who gets into a nasty accident a month after getting his license.
    10.  And so why do I keep forgetting to ask Dad to drop me off on the other side of the building near the main office so I don’t have to see idiots like Moe Whitehead driving themselves to school?
    11.  Moe’s a dick, too.
    12.  But at least he distracted me from Dad.
    13.  For a little while anyway.

5 Hyperbolic Phrases or Idioms That Would Reasonably Describe the Speed at Which Darren Exits His Dad’s Car
    1.  Faster than a speeding bullet
    2.  Like he was shot out of a cannon
    3.  As if his pants were on fire
    4.  Like he was dying to get to school
    5.  As if there was nothing he wanted more in the whole wide world than to get out of that car

People at School Darren Feels Like He Can Talk to about What His Dad Just Told Him

3 Girls Who Might Be Capable of Drastically Improving Darren’s Life, Girls Darren Thinks about as He Heads to His First Class, Trying Really Hard Not to Freak Out Completely about You Know What
    1.  EMILY PRINCE
    Member of Darren’s lab group in first-period chemistry. Bright blue eyes and shiny blond hair. Little. Little feet, little hands, little tush, little boobs. Giggles every time Brian Spanelli lights things on fire they’re not supposed to light on fire. Whenever Emily puts on her oversize safety goggles, and only then, Darren feels an urge to lift her up in his arms, carry her to the school gymnasium, lay her down softly on a red tumbling mat, smooth out her shiny hair with his thick hand, and tell her that he could love her forever, probably.
    2.  MAGGIE BLOCK
    The best trumpet player by far in jazz ensemble, not just the best girl trumpet player (which wouldn’t be hard, because she’s the only girl trumpet player), but just the best overall, even better than Kurt Phillips, who thinks he’s better than he really is. She has a much better sense of rhythm than Kurt and her tone is at least as good. Plus sometimes from behind his bass Darren can see her getting really into it, at which point her face turns dark red and the pimples she tends to have right at the edge of her cheekbones sort of change color too. She really isn’t very good-looking, mainly because in addition to the pimples her almost black hair is so frizzy it makes him wonder if she’s intentionally trying to be unattractive, but even so, her body is pretty great, especially her chest, which is huge but not too huge. Plus she actually talks to Darren, and even swears when she does it, but not the way most girls swear, like the time she told Asher Lipshitz to stop being a big dick already.
    3.  ZOEY LOVELL
    They