Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada Read Online Free Page B

medicine?

    ADA:
    Yes, when he wrote to me he said he was having a lot of trouble with the screws. And he asked me to bring him a cake with a hacksaw in it as well.

    CISSIE:
    Ada you haven't....!

    ADA:
    Yes, I bought this. (SHE DIPS IN HER SHOPPING BAG AND PRODUCES A FOOT LONG SPONGE CAKE WITH A HACKSAW HANDLE STICKING OUT OF ONE END)

    CISSIE:
    Well I can't see you getting that past the guards, it's quite obvious what it is!

    ADA:
    Yes you're right, and it would be a shame to let them abdicate it, wouldn't it. (SHE BREAKS OFF A PIECE OF THE CAKE AND HANDS IT TO CISSIE) Here, try a piece, it's Mary Baker Vienna sponge with three eggs in it.

    CISSIE:(TAKES A BITE)
    Hmm, very tasty. Tell me Ada, you never gave me the whole story, just how did Bert manage to land himself in this fix?

    ADA:
    Pure bad luck, Cissie. I mean I know Bert's a bit of a tearaway but he's mostly managed to keep himself on the right side of the law. What happened was just a momentary lapse.

    CISSIE:
    Why what did he do?

    ADA:
    Stole seventeen cars. He was picked out in an identity parade. I think the starting handle gave him away.

    CISSIE:
    Ada in no way can stealing seventeen cars be described as a momentary lapse. But tell me about the details of the court case, judicial proceedings have always been an interest of mine what with Leonard being a J.P.

    ADA:
    Oh really?

    CISSIE:
    Oh yes, we never miss Crown Court on the telly. And we're both aficionados of Rumpole of course.

    ADA:
    I know, I've heard your bedsprings going.

    CISSIE:
    I assume that before Bert appeared he asked for legal aid?

    ADA:
    No he had a pint of lager. He said he needed it before he faced the judge. But you should have seen him in that dock, Cissie. He was magnificent. He stood there, gripping the mahogany rail, drew himself up to his full height and positively thundered at the judge: 'I am innocent m'lud, and furthermore I do not recognise this court'. The judge said: 'Why not?' Bert said: 'You've had it decorated since I was last here'.

    CISSIE:
    I bet that caused some amusement in the Assizes. I say I bet a titter ran round the court when he said that.

    ADA:
    No, there wasn't anyone from the corset shop in sight.

    CISSIE:
    So what happened then?

    ADA:
    Well Bert restated his innocence and asked for twelve other cases to be taken into consideration. Then he made an impassioned plea for clemency and the judge gave him six months. Bert was ever so grateful. He went down on his bended knees and said: 'Thank you Your Worship, bless you for being so lenient with me'. And the judge said: 'Not at all, if you'd kept your trap shut I was going to let you off'.

    ***************

    AT THE SEASIDE

    THE BEACH. CISSIE AND ADA ARE RELAXING IN DECKCHAIRS, SHOES OFF, DRESSES TUCKED INTO THEIR KNICKERS. CISSIE IS RUBBING IN SUN OIL.

    CISSIE:
    A good idea of yours this, Ada, a week at the seaside away from our menfolk. It'll be a nice break for us. I mean we've only been here a couple of hours and already I'm in the mood to let myself go.

    ADA:
    Yes I think I shall have to loosen my corsets, too.

    CISSIE:
    (NOTICES SOMETHING NEARBY) Oh look, Ada, there's the donkeys see.

    ADA:
    Hey, shall we have a go on one, Cissie?

    CISSIE:
    No we shall not have a go on one! Perish the thought. I remember the last time you went on a donkey. You rode it right into the sea!

    ADA:
    I took a sudden fancy to a paddle.

    CISSIE:
    On a donkey?

    ADA:
    Well I thought it would be all right with it being called Nelson.

    CISSIE:
    Well it wasn't all right was it. When the tide came in and trapped you on that sandbank. I could have died when you took your knickers and started waving them about.

    ADA:
    Well I wanted to attract somebody's attention.

    CISSIE:
    Well you certainly did that. Especially when the breeze got up.

    ADA:
    What? You don't mean....? God love us, Cissie, you couldn't see my.....could you?

    CISSIE:
    Well of course you could you fool, why do you think all those men were